The Icon Faerie

Long story short: I'm back in Iowa for the foreseeable future.

( Long story NOT short... [TW: self-harm, suicidal ideation] )

Today is Commencement. I suppose this is where my roommates have been all day because I think they are graduating. I don't know, I don't really care.

I was going to have a great thinky thoughts post here about how I graduate next year (with any luck), but then I got an e-mail from the lady at Jujamcyn and "there isn't a position available for [me]" which, you know, sucks because I really wanted to do it. Only in theatre is knowing a little bit about everything and knowing how to do a lot and willing to do literally ANYTHING a bad thing. I'll keep looking for things to do that will occupy my time and maybe put a little money in my pocket, but right now I just want to sit here and Think About What I've Done by thinking everything could go my way for once.

There's one part of my brain that says, "Remember how you said you were never going to get into grad school and you did? And remember how you didn't think you could manage having your own car and you did? And remember how you didn't think you could etc and you did?" But the other part of my brain says to fuck off.

I'm moving tomorrow. I guess the best I can do is look for something else to fill my time, especially if Old Navy plans to stick with scheduling me one day a week. 'Cause I'm sorry, that ain't gonna pay for shit.

My dad said he and my mom would help as long as it wasn't much, but I'm twenty-five. I should be able to pay my own rent and things. Not to mention I don't know how much my parents had to sink into getting my grandmother into a nursing home (which she is in. I haven't spoken to her. This is going to sound stupid but I hope she gets internet there, because the people she knows from there are her friends like you all are mine). I'd like to go home to visit but I'm afraid to now.

I love being here in New York. If I couldn't stay out here and work I don't know what I would do.

brb looking for that window God's supposed to open when he shuts a door on me.

There is nothing quite so unhappy as feeling superfluous and unheeded. This started last night when I got a reply to an e-mail I sent Steve on Thursday night -- or maybe Friday. Anyway, to set the stage, our New Play Development Workshop class is holding a ten minute play contest since apparently that seemed like a good idea. Well we're down to like the last ten or so plays we want to consider and so we want to bring in actors to do a cold reading, just so we can hear how it sounds. So this is the e-mail I sent him:

I have an actor for class! His name is Nicholas T******, he's in Joe Jeffrey's Theatre in New York class with Jackie and me. His e-mail is nicksemail@ic.sunysb.edu if you need/want to give him more info -- I told him Monday 12-3 but I'm not sure if you have any further instructions or not.

Have a good weekend,
Liz

And this is the reply I got last night:

Liz,

Thanks. If you have Nicholas T******'s contact info, and he interested, ask him to come to class on Monday.
I hope we get a few more.

WHAT. I just. When you get a response like that, you feel like you make as well be dancing around naked, beating a teakettle with a wooden spoon.

Grrrr.

I AM NEVER GOING TO GET INTO GRAD SCHOOL.
</dramatics>

Brooklyn College just called me to say that they had my stuff, BUT the papers I wrote had to go to the department in question, which I never EVER saw on their website, and also that they never received my official transcripts from Coe OR my letters of recommendation.

There's two I'm not getting into. Three to go.