dramaturgy: ([Celebs] Matt glasses!)
I didn't want my three thousandth entry to be me whining like it usually is. I wanted to take pictures of my room in the house and talk about how well I'm doing. Fun, fulfilling internship in the city, how much I love living off campus, etc. But I don't have that. What I have is about $400 to my name and a pile of unfulfilled expectations and some scary thoughts.

I've filled out so many applications and sent out my resume so many times I've lost count looking for a second job. I've stopped hoping for something that is actually at my level and am looking at McDonalds, Best Buy, and Home Depot. Everything else requires experience that I don't have. I worked four hours last week, four tonight, and I'm not scheduled for any next week. I probably won't have any the week after either, because I booked Friday off so I could welcome Bee to the city.

The house is... fine. I have housemates whose parents didn't seem to teach them that if it's not yours you shouldn't fucking touch it, but that I can deal with. What I can't deal with is this faffing about with the wireless. I am not a person who asks for much but when I have a shitty day (which I am having a lot of these days) all I want to do is curl up, watch some videos of kittens on YouTube, and then refresh Tumblr until it shows me something exciting. So in conclusion if it's not broke, DON'T FIX IT.

So I'm in the office right now, where it is unbearably warm and my desk chair is fucking uncomfortable, but my internet is stable. Priorities, I guess.

I basically want to quit school or take a leave of absence for a year and not be run off my feet. I hate being an adult; I'm not any good at it and it's really fucking exhausting pretending that I know what I'm doing and to not burst into tears even though that's all I want to do. But I guess I shouldn't worry about it since I don't actually have anywhere to be for at least a week. I feel like I'm drowning and I'd really like to know what I'm doing here. People can tell me "No" all the time and I can get myself wound up until I puke perfectly fine in Iowa. There has to be a reason I'm here.
dramaturgy: ([DW/T] Rory counting the Silence.)
Today is Commencement. I suppose this is where my roommates have been all day because I think they are graduating. I don't know, I don't really care.

I was going to have a great thinky thoughts post here about how I graduate next year (with any luck), but then I got an e-mail from the lady at Jujamcyn and "there isn't a position available for [me]" which, you know, sucks because I really wanted to do it. Only in theatre is knowing a little bit about everything and knowing how to do a lot and willing to do literally ANYTHING a bad thing. I'll keep looking for things to do that will occupy my time and maybe put a little money in my pocket, but right now I just want to sit here and Think About What I've Done by thinking everything could go my way for once.

There's one part of my brain that says, "Remember how you said you were never going to get into grad school and you did? And remember how you didn't think you could manage having your own car and you did? And remember how you didn't think you could etc and you did?" But the other part of my brain says to fuck off.

I'm moving tomorrow. I guess the best I can do is look for something else to fill my time, especially if Old Navy plans to stick with scheduling me one day a week. 'Cause I'm sorry, that ain't gonna pay for shit.

My dad said he and my mom would help as long as it wasn't much, but I'm twenty-five. I should be able to pay my own rent and things. Not to mention I don't know how much my parents had to sink into getting my grandmother into a nursing home (which she is in. I haven't spoken to her. This is going to sound stupid but I hope she gets internet there, because the people she knows from there are her friends like you all are mine). I'd like to go home to visit but I'm afraid to now.

I love being here in New York. If I couldn't stay out here and work I don't know what I would do.

brb looking for that window God's supposed to open when he shuts a door on me.
dramaturgy: ([BSG] Starbuck is unhappy.)
I have the serious urge to shop.

I like shopping. I didn't used to. But in high school, this became a way that I connect with people. My mother and I like to go and try things on and put outfits together, even if we can't buy anything. (Okay, things that aren't on clearance. >_>) Eventually, my sister was old enough that she also got into the clothing thing and we all three like to go when we're together. Whenever Bee comes to visit me or vice versa we usually end up at a mall once (and if we're in Manhattan, wow don't even start). Kitty and I have shopped too, because she's about three inches around and is super fun to dress up.

I even like shopping alone sometimes. It's not as much fun getting second opinions and all, but I don't like to feel like I'm dragging people.

Anyway. Shopping is a problem because first of all, I should be saving money where I can, not spending it. Secondly, because I know it's because I don't want to work. I have two major assignments due Monday and don't want to do either of them. Thirdly, I'm feeling depressed and anxious and am looking for something to fill that hole.

Shopping in this state will have the effect of making me happy temporarily, but when I get home I'll have buyer's guilt and the money will be gone and I will have wasted my time and I'll be depressed and anxious again.

(Although both pairs of my jeans are wearing thin in the special area. If they rip, I'll have to replace them. :\ Slippery slope, I'm on it.)
dramaturgy: ([GA] Owen/Cristina.)
I've come down from my high on Friday night. My lessons should plan themselves. That's all I'm asking.
dramaturgy: ([DW/T] The Oncoming Storm.)
I love that I can call my mother, say, "Can I come home?" and she'll say, "You can always come home." And then I'll say, "Yeah, I wasn't being serious." (Because I wasn't, I'm just being emo.) But she'll still say, "I was." And she'll build me up and listen to me complain. She'll let me be a speshul snowflake. I love my mom.

We made it through Aristotle's Poetics. That is about the best thing that can be said about that. I don't remember what their next assignment is, so I'll have to look that up so I can start planning it.

But OMG I had another person drop today and two MAYBE three more add. I'm like STOP IT. I AM NOT THIS AWESOME, THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO SIGN UP. STOP.

Also, I'm not really sure how to deal with making up their work and the like. I'm doing it on a points system because that seemed to make the most sense to me, but like, I can't give them points for classes they didn't attend and things they didn't do. Grr.

My sister landed safely in Japan. Her blog is here, if you want to stalk her: http://intothelandoftherisingsun.blogspot.com :D


Aug. 25th, 2010 10:24 pm
dramaturgy: ([AI] I amount to nothing.)
I'm anxiety piling, so excuse me.

I said the other day that 'home' was a really complicated word, and I find that a lot of people my age feel the same.

I was talking to my mother and was talking about driving back to school before I left. Before I knew it I called New York 'home'. But it's not. New York is where I am living and going to school (for now. For at least the next two years. Please don't even start me on my thoughts on the matter right now) but it's not home. I don't know if it could be. Iowa is kind of home. It's where I grew up, but there are many things I don't like about it. I don't know. My family's there, and my family's probably not leaving any time soon. I don't have a boyfriend, I don't even have a prospect. I don't have someone I want to make a life with. I don't have ties like that here. I don't know if I want them.

When we saw my sister last, I put the Mamma Mia soundtrack to drive to because I needed to stay awake. Stupid idea, because eventually we got to this song:

I saw this movie with my mother, so that whole mother/daughter thing his ~super hard with me. I really do miss my mother, she's one of my best friends, and this stupid song makes me bawl every time.

So home is complicated. I don't know where my heart is so I don't know where my home is, but what I do know if where I pay money to store all my stuff and sleep a few hours a night.
dramaturgy: ([House] I'm proud of you.)
Universe, when I said "Someone is going to die today," I didn't mean me. Touche, well played.
dramaturgy: ([Glee] Back to you.)
Yesterday was my parents' anniversary and they actually got home pretty early. They usually do dinner and a movie so I wasn't expecting them until eleven/midnightish, depending on where they ate and what movie they saw, but they got home about 9:30. My dad goes into his mancave computery area, and mom sits next to me on the couch.

"Your dad and I were thinking..."

Shit, I think to myself. "Yeah..."

"Since you're leaving next weekend, we should do something tomorrow."

I knew right away that 'sitting on the couch in your pajamas with your friends in the box' was not going to be an acceptable answer. "Uh. Okay."

"So. What would you like to do?" Chipper voice.

"Um." Literally nothing comes to mind. I want to sit and do NOTHING. I want to be unimpressive. I want to be mediocre. Substandard, even. "I don't know."

"We could go to the Amanas. See the shops. I know it's not your kind of shopping..."

Then why did you fucking ask. The Amanas are the Amana Colonies, somewhere just beyond Iowa City. The restaurant is, to my knowledge, one (1) family style restaurant with nasty food where all the waitstaff is all over sixty in blue gingham Dorothy dresses that they all outgrew when Truman left office. They are big on Ye Olde German Heritage. I do not fucking go to the Amanas if I can get out of it. If I had to hide from, I don't know, KGB or diamond smugglers who I'd just caught in the act, I'd go there because that is how little I like going there. "Or Galena!" Galena is the exact same fucking thing, only it's in Illinois and its saving grace is that I've never been there so I don't think I can properly disparage it.

Needless to say, I am not keen to go. But since there's literally nothing out I want to see right now and I don't have any better ideas, I am going to spend time in Galena with my parents. I am trying not to think of it as a hostage situation, but since that's sort of what it is, I am just going to be as neutral as possible.

Compounding the situation is there is something causing me manic, racing thoughts and massive sleep deprivation. Fuck me sideways. Probably that my medication taking this summer has been sporadic at best, but I hate fucking taking medicine. I can't wait for the day when everything is just permanently curable with a shot and I can do that instead.

ETA: Also I would give my left tit for a pair of pants that fit.

ETA 2: Scratch that, I would give my left tit to be a size twelve.

ETA 3: Also we better get in the car soon so I can get out my iPod and drown out my dad's fucking insane HUMMING. Someone is going to fucking die today.
dramaturgy: ([AI] I amount to nothing.)
Last week Kitty was with me and we had fun. I am still in Doctor Who finale afterglow from Saturday, and in my Damn My Friends Are Home Now slump as well as my Try Not To Panic About Teaching mindset with nothing to distract me.

What results is me feeling very confused and a little nauseous. So I'm going to do a 30 day meme. Ang was doing this one, and it's music! Who doesn't love music? I love music.

Day 01 - Your favourite song

I listen to this one A LOT, but of course you have your favorite songs of the moment and your favorites ever. That one was the former, and this is the latter:

List )
dramaturgy: ([SPN] Drank a liquor store.)
There is nothing quite so unhappy as feeling superfluous and unheeded. This started last night when I got a reply to an e-mail I sent Steve on Thursday night -- or maybe Friday. Anyway, to set the stage, our New Play Development Workshop class is holding a ten minute play contest since apparently that seemed like a good idea. Well we're down to like the last ten or so plays we want to consider and so we want to bring in actors to do a cold reading, just so we can hear how it sounds. So this is the e-mail I sent him:

I have an actor for class! His name is Nicholas T******, he's in Joe Jeffrey's Theatre in New York class with Jackie and me. His e-mail is nicksemail@ic.sunysb.edu if you need/want to give him more info -- I told him Monday 12-3 but I'm not sure if you have any further instructions or not.

Have a good weekend,

And this is the reply I got last night:


Thanks. If you have Nicholas T******'s contact info, and he interested, ask him to come to class on Monday.
I hope we get a few more.

WHAT. I just. When you get a response like that, you feel like you make as well be dancing around naked, beating a teakettle with a wooden spoon.
dramaturgy: ([Panic] Sins Not Tragedies.)
So having never seen Katie Mitchell's production of The Seagull at the National (I was about half a year too late, DAMNIT), I have to say that I probably shouldn't talk, but I read this (rather negative) review:

As her loveless, emotionally disturbed son, Ben Whishaw makes a wilfully cool and composed Konstantin. Perhaps the fact that Crimp has cut his role down to raw basics explains why Whishaw expresses such muted grief or suicidal despair. He no more matures or changes than does Hattie Morahan's dazzled but insufficiently harrowed Nina.
Okay I could buy the point about Nina, and it's been awhile since I've actually read the play in depth so feel free to correct, but isn't the point of Konstantin that he DOESN'T change and he ISN'T going to change? He can't be anything but he is, and turns out that's not so good for him as an artist, and isn't that what drives him to take his own life?

Eh. I always do this. I always want to defend meanies who look down on something I like/likely would have liked. I am very picky when it comes to my work, and easy to please when it comes to everyone else.

(I have the first paragraph, and that's the easiest part, right? Right?)
dramaturgy: ([Celebs] Tennant o_o.)
My protocol is done, in the three ring binder, and in my backpack. Unfortunately I still have two papers, a play to read, and six (x_x) sets of reading notes to complete. Wah.

ETA: Greg Grunberg. Why do you have to wankbait? Despite your constant plugging as Yowza I still loved you because you bring me funny shit and Milo (those two do not necessarily coincide).
dramaturgy: ([Buffy] OMG BUNNIES!)
Getting e-mails from the National Theatre in London just feels like a tease anymore. ;_;
dramaturgy: ([SA] Ilse)
I don't want to do this project. I want to go to bed. I am tired. I don't want to work on this project. I am going to put on Biggest Loser and hope Bob and Gillian yelling at them will motivate me.
dramaturgy: ([QAF] Not Antisocial.)
Some days all that stands between me and splattering my brains all over a wall is the five day waiting period on purchasing a firearm.
dramaturgy: ([Heroes] Paramedic.)
Congratulations universe.

dramaturgy: ([SA] Everything we touch is dust.)
So I went to work even though I felt a little blaaargh because I figured I'd be in back doing freight anyway, and I was, but I still didn't feel great. And then I started to feel nauseous. And then I felt even worse, and to make the long story short, I threw up. My projectile vomiting aim needs work. They sent me home, just in case. I think it's more likely that I ate something bad than it being the flu or anything. I do feel like crap but it's allergies crap and not viral crap.

Blah. *die*
dramaturgy: ([Phantom] Christine.)
I know that there are people who are just now waking up for a full day (believe me, part of me wishes that I were too) or have been at work for a few hours or whatever already, but I am sick (but feeling slightly better) and don't work until 2. There is no godly reason why I should be wide awake right now. Especially since I was watching Supernatural until about five hours ago. ;_;

One word meme stolen from cutepoisonlola )


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