The Icon Faerie

I wish my teacher wouldn’t say things like “Work on that internship.” Because when he says that, I hear an implied accusation that I haven’t been working on it. That it doesn’t worry me, or put holes in my stomach, or make me lay awake at night in anxiety. It’s the same thing I hear whenever conservative douchenozzles give the “Bootstraps!” condescending bullshit. The implication that my best is not good enough and it’s my fault because I haven’t looked hard enough. I can’t make people give me an interview, and I can’t make people hire me.

I’m sure he doesn’t mean for it to sound like that, at least that is what I am choosing to believe. I’m certain the damage is all mine, but it is still… my damage.

Whatever, Liz. No1curr.

I should be finishing my thesis.

but I’m not.

I’m on page twenty-five of about forty and I just. My brain. pffffffffffft

I mean I’m not actually going to finish my degree this semester because I haven’t had a professional internship.

so I’m kind of like what’s the point.

Theatre meeeeeme.

List the last 10 things you saw at the theatre in order:

1. Mary Poppins (Broadway)
2. Richard III (BAM)
3. Seminar (Broadway)
4. On A Clear Day You Can See Forever (Broadway)
5. Asuncion (Off-Broadway)
6. Dead Man's Cell Phone (SBU)
7. Sleep No More (NYC)
8. The Threepenny Opera (Broadway)
9. Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark (Broadway)
10. Catch Me If You Can (Broadway)

( Meme. )

Well, Spring Awakening is now over.

I think it went well. I had some very talented cast members and some great support.

And now I have to sit down, figure out what it all means, and write my thesis.

I think what I've learned most is that if I want to direct, I have to actually work for someone who does it and is perhaps willing to teach me the craft instead of just throw a Mikhail Chekhov book at me and expect me to "get" it.

Oh well. Win some, and all that.

I'm leaving to go back to New York tomorrow, for my last semester of grad school. I'm depending heavily on the kindness and good humor of God for the next four or five months to go at all well for me, but... it's just a lot to think about.

Whatever.

Ugh.

I am too wound up to sleep. My semester is done (save for grading students' tests and things), and tomorrow I have an interview at the Cherry Lane Theatre. I am hoping and praying that this third time is a charm, because it would be really grand not to have to stress about finding an internship all the way from Iowa. On the other hand I also start home tomorrow so if I bomb it, I have about sixteen hours to think that over.

I feel like I may as well start in now for all the rest I'm going to get.

If you think about it around 12:45 EST, keep your fingers crossed for me. I really, really want this internship and I believe if I'm supposed to have it then I will, but that doesn't mean I can't use a little extra cheerleading in my corner.

I live in New York. My family lives in Iowa. I am in my last year of grad school, and being able to go home for my winter break (December 15-January 23) is important to me. Like, it is actually beyond important right now, for my mental health. I'm not even kidding when I tell you that I've spent so much time in student health this week that the girl at the desk on the second floor (Psychological Health Services) knows me on sight. Long story short, my anxiety finally got the better of me, and I broke down a bit.

Now for the retail job. I work at New Army, that clothing retailer famous for their dirt cheap flip flops, performance fleece, and fuck knows what else. I spoke to my manager all the way back in mid-October about being able to go home for this sixish weeks. There was much hemming and hawing about, "Oh, well, it depends on what kind of holiday hires we can get, when I can let you go, etc. etc." So I figure, whatever. I don't care if I don't get to leave right on the 15th. I drive back (cheaper than flying and when I get there I have my own wheels!) so I have some freedom there. I just want to be home in time for Christmas Eve, which would probably mean the 22nd at the latest (although I would obviously prefer earlier). I told her no problem, see what they could come up with, she would try, and I'd hear from her about mid-November.

Needless to say, mid-November came and went and I heard nothing. So I called this morning to check, and her answer? "December 24th."

I was speechless. I literally did not know what to say to that. I reminded her about my school break and how my family doesn't freaking LIVE HERE, and she maintained. Like, I get it. She has to look out for the company and make sure there are enough people to cover everything -- this has been an ongoing struggle since we went Project One back in September. I reminded her about my school break, and it seemed like this was the first time I told her. She's a busy person with a lot on her mind, but I have a freakish memory for detail and... I guess I'm just slightly baffled when things like that slip with other people.

So I get off the phone because fuck I don't know what else to say, and I realize that I won't be even LEAVING for home until the 24th, and I have no confidence whatsoever that I will get all the time in January. Or even once I come back, time for the production I'm directing, time to write my thesis, time for my professional internship. And if I were working an amount of time that would make it worth staying, I probably would, without complaint. But I worked zero hours last week (my Black Friday midday shift got CUT. Let that sink in for a moment), zero hours this week, and I'm scheduled for four next Saturday. Admittedly, my availability isn't the greatest since I have school and I teach, but there are three ENTIRE days where I'm open, and a couple evenings as well.

When it comes to it, I am considering quitting. Because frankly, the fewer stressors I have in my life the better off I'll be, and I need time away from here more than I need anything else. At the same time I'm one of those people who doesn't like to abandon a sinking ship. I will feel bad if I decide to quit and I will probably even cry when I do it, but I know that I have to look out for me. I still feel bad. My head is going to explode from the conflicting logic and feelings.

And, when my mother asked for prayers for universal safety on her Facebook, explicitly saying she wasn't looking for debate:



I don't know. I just can't anymore.

I'm feeling really cheated of the educational experience I expected lately. I give Stonybrook a D.

Little known fact: my best friend thinkatory and Matt Smith share the same birthday. The more you know!

You, um... you may just want to let this post load before you try and view it. I may have gotten a little carried away.



( HELLOOOOOOOOOO STONEHENGE! )