I have actual things to talk about but for now, gratuitous cryptic lyrics

MATT
Do you know—well, of course you do—
What it’s like to stand outside?
To watch the world and wish
You didn’t hurt so much, you cried
I know I’m not the only one
And I know I shouldn’t care
But when I feel these things are real
I wish I felt you there
And if I did, I’d ask you
How come life is so unfair?

PETER
Do you know—well, of course you do—
What it’s like to be afraid?
That nothing will become
Of all the plans that you have made?
So I watch the girls surround him
And he says it’s just a game
I guess that I believe him
But it hurts me just the same
And I’m all about this stupid act
So who am I to blame?

BOTH
Are you there? Are you there?
Do you watch me when I cry?
And if it’s in your power,
How can you sit idly by?
I try so hard to please you
But you never seem to see

MATT
Is it my fate to sit and wait?

PETER
Wonder what my struggle means

MATT
I wish I knew that someone out there cared

PETER
Are you there?

BOTH
Cared for me

MATT
Here, have some wine

PETER
This is holy wine!

MATT
The Father hasn’t blessed it yet

PETER
In that case…

MATT
Grab a chalice

PETER
Thanks.
Life sucks…

MATT
Here, have the rest
So why’d you leave?

PETER
The party?

MATT
Yeah

PETER
I was getting kind of bored

MATT
[Laugh] Oh, me too!

PETER
There’s another reason…

MATT
Yeah?

PETER
It sucks to be ignored

MATT
I know!
I always fight to do what’s right, and this is my reward

PETER
This is my reward

BOTH
Are you there? Are you there?
Can you make some time for me?
They tell me that you’re out there
And they tell me that you see
I try to find the meaning
God, you know how hard I’ve tried
But I don’t know where I’m going
And I don’t have any guide

MATT
They said things would get better
But I guess…they lied

PETER
Are you there?
He needs to give me more!

MATT
I’ll drink to that!

PETER
Who cares if people think we’re fine?
We’ve been through this before!
One day he’ll wake up
And realize all he needs is me
Until then, God, I wish I knew
I need a guarantee

MATT
I need to know for sure that you’ll be there

PETER
Send a sign so that I know you’re there

BOTH
There for me

PETER
Send a sign so that I know you’re there

MATT
Send a sign so that I know you’re there

BOTH
There for me

(no subject)

Fuck depression.

Yesterday was a great day. I was in the city that I love, and I got to partake in two pieces of theatre. I saw The Addams Family at the matinee, which was decent. I can see why it was panned, but it was fun. Nathan Lane is a scream, Bebe Neuwirth is great, Terence Mann is a GOD, Carolee Carmello is like three inches around and she has a huge voice. Krysta Rodriguez is a powerhouse, and Wesley Taylor is adorable.

And I got to sit third row at Spider-Man. In short, they were looking to fill the orchestra seat they hadn't sold so I got upgraded for free and it was basically awesome. I have no more face because it has been rocked off. They changed a lot, and is ultimately better for it. The second act especially is much tighter and clearer. I stagedoored and told any of the people who would listen that. I seriously can't wait to go back and again... I'm a stan, deal with it.

So I was in a great place when I got home last night and drifted off to sleep. I had a great dream. I had my dream job in my city, there was a man who loved me, and it was quite literally my dream life. It was so real that when I woke up I was confused. Where was I? What day was it? No seriously where the fuck was I? And as I woke up more, I realized that I was coming back to reality. Awake.

And then I had the moment when I was lying in bed when I was just disappointed, because I was awake and none of that was true. Then the little voice started: Life is never going to be that good.

I'm not unhappy. I'm not. Sure I'm not living the dream, but I'm where I need to be, I think, emotionally and physically. I don't have a lot of very close friends, but the ones I do have are amazing. I decided I wasn't going to let the Dark Passenger win today. I wasn't going to let a stupid voice in the back of my head dictate how I was going to feel about today.

Well. It didn't work. But I did try.