(no subject)

I have shed many tears in pain, sadness, disappointment, humiliation, and anger, but I think today was the first time in most recent memory I shed tears because of resentment and hate. Hate of myself, Mrs. Dean, Rachel, Katie, and anyone else's name that was on that God damned call back sheet.

Obviously, Mrs. Dean has no intention of letting me into chamber choir. Not now, not ever. I am half-considering taking myself out of choir for next year and taking some completely worthless classes such as Foods or Clothing. Seriously. Throw myself into band and give choir the old fashioned one-fingered salute.

I'm sick from keeping myself from bursting into tears whenever I think about it. Because my dad wouldn't care, my brother and sister would roll their eyes, and my mom would try and pet me and tell me it's all right -- but it's not all right. Not at all. I'm tired of being told I'm not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not anything enough.

So in the eternal words of the Metatron, "I'm pissed off, is what I am!" No. Beyond pissed off. Irate. Ready to kill.

I don't think Rachel realizes how hard it is to be her friend sometimes. My mom said, "Rachel has a wonderful, clear, uncluttered soprano voice." Uh, thanks mom. Like I don't know that. She told me I have a "superior intellect". Fine. But what good is a superior intellect IF NOBODY WILL FUCKING LISTEN TO ME?

I need a fucking huge vacation away from this wide-spot-in-the-road bedroom dot on the map known as DeWitt.

( 'Life as a Movie' soundtrack )