(no subject)

[dramaturgy]

Good god, I forgot what it meant to be exhausted in the brain.

I finished my presentation even though Michael insisted on being a douchebag and splitting up the presentation so I had to pull stuff out of my ass about Egmont. And pull stuff out of my ass I did.

So my body's doing the annoying thing again when I am zzzzzzzz sooooo tired so I lay down to go to sleep and I lay there for an hour or so instead of dropping off. I don't know what to try to cure that since I haven't had time to put my Google fu to work on anything but sturm und drang.

And I've been accused of being angry with someone and hostile. Apparently when you introduce yourself as Miss Mary Sunshine and then become Miss Mary Go Fuck Yourself for a day or two it means you suddenly hate someone. I don't really hate a specific someone, I am just shall we say mildly annoyed with things. So I pulled myself out of bed for a 9:00 graduate population meeting, because apparently we're all in high school and instead of speaking up when something is bothering us or talking to a professor separately or to each other we need an actual meeting time for airing these things. So yeah, I'm a little pissy when I get there, and when you breeze in JUST as the meeting is about to end and I have eighty things to do, yeah. I'm going to sigh a little. And when everyone wants all of my attention OMG RIGHT NOW it's going to tick me off.

Also? I am just trying to survive my first semester of grad school. I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water with all the shit I have to do and it's only going to get worse, so no. I don't want to hear about the fucking Cabaret one more time and participate in "new works." I want to do my homework in peace and GO TO BED.

I should probably apologize for being impatient and showing it, but I don't deal with stress very well and there is a lot of stress right now. And I'm not going to apologize for not acting all happy shiny face when I'm not.

And trust me, if I'm angry at you, you are never going to know it. Because I am not a confrontational person and if I am asked I will categorically deny any and all feelings of anger.

I wish we had a break coming up and I weren't 1000 miles from my mommmy. I think I'm going to go cry in the restroom now.

I think this weekend I will take time and finish my Castiel moodtheme. He's been making some awesome faces on the show.

Comments

Here are some things that help me when I am feeling stressed:

[endofhistory.livejournal.com]

I used these tricks and tips the semesters that I felt overwhemled and they made me feel better. So I hope that they work for you too.

1. Go for a walk and clear your head. The summer I took French and Finite Math in a six week period (and I wanted to die) I would get up and walk around my kitchen table when I was frustrated. This helped because I could usually go back to my problem. I think better on my feet and getting away from whatever it is that is frustrating me. TBH long walks always make me feel better even if I'm up to my eyeballs in work.
2. Yoga. Now, I am the least FLEXIBLE person ever. But IUPUI offered a yoga class and I took it. It was the best, bc while I super failed at the poses, it was low stress and whenever we meditated I felt like I was a new person.
3. Make tiny goals. Today, I'm going to write 2 pages. Tomorrow I'm going to read 30 pages. Ect ect. Make them small goals and spread them out, that always helps me when I have a big project and I feel overwhelmed. Plus if I miss a day, if it's spread out, I don't freak out. Usually if I have 10 days and say, a 20 page paper, I'm like okay going to write two pages a day, that way my goal is much smaller.
4. Talk it out with someone who will just listen to you. That always makes me feel better. Sometimes I don't want suggestions (which I am sorry if you don't want suggestions rn, I am just trying to be Helpful) and I just want someone to listen to what I have to say.

Also, I know IUPUI offered destressing clinics. Maybe that would help? I'm just trying to think of things that might make you feel better. Also, plan something fun to do.

Anyway, I'm just trying to be Helpful, so I hope any of this helps. <3 <3

Also, RE: sleep. Visual exercises (which I might not be using the right phrase here? I'm not sure) help me get to sleep. I imagine relaxing all my muscles or make up a story in my head. This has helped me sleep for years and I have always done it even before I knew what it was. It was sort of like internal story time. Sometimes it doesn't work and sominex becomes my bff, but try it. It has always helped me.

[duchessdollydot.livejournal.com]

<3 It sounds like the past month has been pretty rough, bb. I just remembered something my dad told me about the other day that I think is theoretically called the chasm of change, maybe I'm wrong about that, but it helps give me perspective about big changes.

When people think about change, they think cause and effect in a straight line like this: __________. But it's not really a straight line, there are these huge chasms (or gulfs? maybe they're gulfs) where all of this emotional chaos ensues. It's something that when he explains it to people in his work, they go "Oh yeah that!" but it's not really a feeling anyone talks about. Like you change something in your life, and suddenly you're struck with all of these whacked-out stressed emotions, like "Is this right? Is this okay?" and the instinct is to doubt yourself and often people are paralyzed in this moment of chaos.

Which might not actually be relevant to your situation at all, but you have just gone through a pretty big change. <3 And eventually if you keep chugging, it's supposed to get better.

I just hope you start feeling better as the work load gets worse. <3

ETA: Also as I am sitting here thinking about it, writing down on paper the list of things that you are stressed about and holding it up to God in a very literal, physical, if somebody walked by me and saw me they would think I was crazy kind of way... that helps too.

[occultebelta.livejournal.com]

Michael's a douche. Don't forget that.

Hang in. <3 You know. We should try to make time for a phonecall.