Home.

[dramaturgy]

I'm anxiety piling, so excuse me.

I said the other day that 'home' was a really complicated word, and I find that a lot of people my age feel the same.

I was talking to my mother and was talking about driving back to school before I left. Before I knew it I called New York 'home'. But it's not. New York is where I am living and going to school (for now. For at least the next two years. Please don't even start me on my thoughts on the matter right now) but it's not home. I don't know if it could be. Iowa is kind of home. It's where I grew up, but there are many things I don't like about it. I don't know. My family's there, and my family's probably not leaving any time soon. I don't have a boyfriend, I don't even have a prospect. I don't have someone I want to make a life with. I don't have ties like that here. I don't know if I want them.

When we saw my sister last, I put the Mamma Mia soundtrack to drive to because I needed to stay awake. Stupid idea, because eventually we got to this song:

I saw this movie with my mother, so that whole mother/daughter thing his ~super hard with me. I really do miss my mother, she's one of my best friends, and this stupid song makes me bawl every time.

So home is complicated. I don't know where my heart is so I don't know where my home is, but what I do know if where I pay money to store all my stuff and sleep a few hours a night.

Comments

[phiremangston.livejournal.com]

I get it. Way too well.

Pella hasn't been home to me since probably the end of high school. There are people here I love, but we're all scattering apart now, aside from my family.

For a while I thought Coe was home, but it never really felt like it, not entirely. (Then things happened there that made me feel unsafe, but that's another story.)

Now I'm in limbo, waiting for word about a possible salaried job in a new city or a part-time job in IC with a bunch of my old friends.

I have no idea when I'll be able to call a place "home" again. And it's terrifying.

[dramaturgy.livejournal.com]

*just lays low with you*

[phiremangston.livejournal.com]

We'll get there.

[occultebelta.livejournal.com]

I have a house, I don't have a home.

I could leave here without a second thought tomorrow, if I had to.

Home is scary. Home is so ... potentially permanent. I might be the minority, but I don't know if I want a home.

[iwanturhorror.livejournal.com]

First time I saw that scene in Mamma Mia I cried too, and my relationship with my mum is fine lol. That really is a beautiful song and they do it well.

So sorry you're having family troubles hon :( *hugs*