dramaturgy | (no subject)

I "graduate" on Friday and I don't feel very well. I say "graduate" because I have an extension to finish my thesis and an I for my professional internship and I'm paralyzed into being unable to do anything. Becky told me the other day that she and Chris don't get it, because I'm one of the smartest and most hard working people in the program and people should be fighting over me. Except they're not.

There's a blonde joke that starts, a blonde was praying to God to win the lottery. She prayed and visited the sick and did charity and prayed and prayed and prayed but never won, and she finally shouts to God, "WHY AREN'T YOU LETTING ME WIN?" And God answers, "You gotta meet me halfway, sweetheart. You have to buy a lottery ticket." There's probably some details in there that I missed but whatever, the idea stands. I am meeting halfway. I am sending out my resume, I am getting interviews, but I am getting NOTHING after. Not even a courteous "I'm sorry but we decided to go with someone else" half the time.

If people should be fighting over me and aren't, then why aren't they?

Sometimes I find myself in a mood where I don't know who I am. I don't mean existentially, I mean I no longer feel like myself and who I perceive myself to be. I feel like another person but this other person is only defined by what they aren't rather than what they are. I feel dissociated but not... I just feel like a shell that lacks a hermit crab.

Upside of life, I saw The Avengers. It was exactly as awesome as I thought it was going to be. I predict a resurgence in the use of the word "quim." Shakespeare would be proud.

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I predict a resurgence in the use of the word "quim." Shakespeare would be proud.
I hope so. TBH I know a bunch of fellow females got all upset about it being used but... um, it was Loki? Being a villain? And imo it's an awesome word and a lot better than the standard "b*tch" or whatever else insults often get hurled at girls. Though really if I was in Tasha's shoes I'd have just lost the thread of his insult at "quim" and been like "Wait what go back, seriously? Are you actually living in Shakespeare in the Park?? Use it in another sentence; I must hear it!"

Also selfishly I'd like it to be used more so I could get away with putting it in sex scenes because there's only so many "moist wetnesses" or whatnot people can stand to read. >.>

I'm sorry about the internship situation. Having just gotten rejected, mostly via form letter, by a slate of grad schools, I feel you - to me, it seems very much like trying to walk through a wall, over and over again, while everyone around me is getting through. Some days I'm like, "Where is this door I'm missing?" and other days I'm like "OKAY MAGIC PORTAL MUST FIND ARCHAIC PASSPHRASE AND EYE OF NEWT" but either way I'm still stuck on the wrong side.

Sometimes I find myself in a mood where I don't know who I am. I don't mean existentially, I mean I no longer feel like myself and who I perceive myself to be. I feel like another person but this other person is only defined by what they aren't rather than what they are. I feel dissociated but not... I just feel like a shell that lacks a hermit crab.

What did you used to define yourself as? I'm curious - I've been trying consciously to change my self-definition so it doesn't depend so much on outward signifiers like having a job or a boyfriend or what have you. But it's tough going.