dramaturgy: ([Misc] Reeve.)
Do you know—well, of course you do—
What it’s like to stand outside?
To watch the world and wish
You didn’t hurt so much, you cried
I know I’m not the only one
And I know I shouldn’t care
But when I feel these things are real
I wish I felt you there
And if I did, I’d ask you
How come life is so unfair?

Do you know—well, of course you do—
What it’s like to be afraid?
That nothing will become
Of all the plans that you have made?
So I watch the girls surround him
And he says it’s just a game
I guess that I believe him
But it hurts me just the same
And I’m all about this stupid act
So who am I to blame?

Are you there? Are you there?
Do you watch me when I cry?
And if it’s in your power,
How can you sit idly by?
I try so hard to please you
But you never seem to see

Is it my fate to sit and wait?

Wonder what my struggle means

I wish I knew that someone out there cared

Are you there?

Cared for me

Here, have some wine

This is holy wine!

The Father hasn’t blessed it yet

In that case…

Grab a chalice

Life sucks…

Here, have the rest
So why’d you leave?

The party?


I was getting kind of bored

[Laugh] Oh, me too!

There’s another reason…


It sucks to be ignored

I know!
I always fight to do what’s right, and this is my reward

This is my reward

Are you there? Are you there?
Can you make some time for me?
They tell me that you’re out there
And they tell me that you see
I try to find the meaning
God, you know how hard I’ve tried
But I don’t know where I’m going
And I don’t have any guide

They said things would get better
But I guess…they lied

Are you there?
He needs to give me more!

I’ll drink to that!

Who cares if people think we’re fine?
We’ve been through this before!
One day he’ll wake up
And realize all he needs is me
Until then, God, I wish I knew
I need a guarantee

I need to know for sure that you’ll be there

Send a sign so that I know you’re there

There for me

Send a sign so that I know you’re there

Send a sign so that I know you’re there

There for me
dramaturgy: ([AI] I amount to nothing.)
So Hoff, who directed the Women's Chorale at Coe, died in his home earlier this week. For those of you less schooled in the subtleties of writing and speaking, that's usually code for "suicide" and that was confirmed for me today about twenty minutes ago. There are Coe alums all over the internet buzzing about it, and I already tweeted and wrote on Facebook about it but I'm still trying to make sense of this.

Hoff was not everybody's favorite teacher, as I said, and sometimes he wasn't mine. He pushed for excellence and sometimes I wondered wtf he was doing with us, but it always had results. Sometimes I was resentful for being in the chorale -- it did feel like a consolation prize to not being "good enough" for the mixed choir at times, but there are other times where I would not have jumped to the mixed choir if they'd asked me. I'm sure if you go back into the archives of my journal there will be posts littered with 'OH MY GOD I HATE HOFF RIGHT NOW' and the like, but the fact is that those moments were fleeting. My time with Hoff was... well for lack of a better term, magical.

He was a hard taskmaster at times, yes, but it was all to make us better singers. I love to sing, and I love music. Behind his madness there was method, and always passion. He loved music and he loved theatre. He was head of the New York term program and while I didn't go on that exchange, I did get to go to Europe. I had to have three letters of recommendation; one I got from Steven (a theatre professor), one from Dr. Buckaloo (history) and the third I got from Hoff. He also wrote me a letter for grad school; I don't think it was SUNY (I don't remember how many letters I needed for here) but he did write me one and so because he did that I got to do things that I wasn't sure I would get to do. Some of my favorite memories at Coe, too, are the Winter Convocation, where WC sang the music (I love Christmas music) and the spring concerts, where sometimes it was so dang hot in Sinclair I thought I was going to fall over.

He loved theatre, and he knew I did too. When I was a senior he had made a trip to NY over winter break and had gone to see a bunch of shows. He brought in the souvenir program from Spring Awakening and the revival of Sunday in the Park with George so I could take a look at them. It was a small gesture, but one that meant a lot to me -- and now I'm in New York where Broadway is a train ride away. One year we did music from Phantom of the Opera at our spring concert, so we all gathered at his house, watched the movie, and then we had food after -- lots of delicious food.

Undergrad is the days before I got my depression and anxiety under control, and some mornings -- particularly late fall and winter, I think some of it was seasonal -- I just did not want to get out of bed. It's hard to describe but it is just the complete lack of will to do anything except lay in warm darkness. But most mornings I got out of bed, because I knew that at 12:00 or 11:00 or whenever rolled around, I got to go sing. I was never suicidal -- seriously anyway -- but I was probably close.

To know someone was in some kind of pain so awful that they thought that was the only way is awful, especially when they themselves had a hand in alleviating that pain for you, is indescribable. I wish there was a way I could have known, could have helped, could have repaid him. I don't know what he was thinking or feeling, but I still wish that I could have. Even though I have a certain flair for the dramatic, I'm not saying this to go "oh look at me, a professor I was close to died" or "I deal with these issues too," I am just trying to sort out how I feel. I'm sad. I'm a little angry (in general). I am just generally, all around, upset. I owe the teachers I was close to as an undergraduate a great debt, because it was at Coe that I started becoming the person I am today and started heading towards the person I wanted to become. They all had an amazing hand in that, and one of them took his own life for... whatever reason.

I suppose that I have no choice but to pay it forward, do everything my best, and make every showtune I sing just as expressive and wonderful as Hoff could have hoped to make it.

Guys, suicide doesn't just affect teenagers and young adults. Though I don't really know my thoughts on right to die, I do believe that suicide is a very drastic and permanent solution when the hurt is in your heart and soul and not your body. If you are having suicidal thoughts, then PLEASE tell someone. Anyone. If that someone doesn't listen to you and help you, tell someone else. Tell me. I'll listen, I'll metaphorically hold your hand (literally if I am close enough), and I will help you help yourself best that I can. I'm not a therapist or trained for psychology or anything, I just know what it's like to be in an enormous amount of pain that you don't know what to do with. We can find a better solution than suicide together.

Say a prayer for Richard Hoffman. He touched a lot of lives at Coe, and there are many more who will never be blessed to say they knew him, but he was a man with an enormous heart and a lot of soul, and that should not go unrecognized. Love him or hate him, no one should ever have to feel like suicide is the only option.


Aug. 25th, 2010 10:24 pm
dramaturgy: ([AI] I amount to nothing.)
I'm anxiety piling, so excuse me.

I said the other day that 'home' was a really complicated word, and I find that a lot of people my age feel the same.

I was talking to my mother and was talking about driving back to school before I left. Before I knew it I called New York 'home'. But it's not. New York is where I am living and going to school (for now. For at least the next two years. Please don't even start me on my thoughts on the matter right now) but it's not home. I don't know if it could be. Iowa is kind of home. It's where I grew up, but there are many things I don't like about it. I don't know. My family's there, and my family's probably not leaving any time soon. I don't have a boyfriend, I don't even have a prospect. I don't have someone I want to make a life with. I don't have ties like that here. I don't know if I want them.

When we saw my sister last, I put the Mamma Mia soundtrack to drive to because I needed to stay awake. Stupid idea, because eventually we got to this song:

I saw this movie with my mother, so that whole mother/daughter thing his ~super hard with me. I really do miss my mother, she's one of my best friends, and this stupid song makes me bawl every time.

So home is complicated. I don't know where my heart is so I don't know where my home is, but what I do know if where I pay money to store all my stuff and sleep a few hours a night.
dramaturgy: ([Misc] I am never going to work again)
I have been trying to get an exam copy of the textbook I'm supposed to be teaching. Yes, I went ahead and bought a regular copy 'cause I didn't know what else to do, but then I had a thought, since I am an anxiety-riddled twentysomething who is not happy unless she has something to hyperventilate about (as though my discovered money troubles of yesterday weren't enough): what if there is stuff I NEED in the exam copy? So I tried again to order the book, except their website has a malfunction. It won't let me list my appropriate department at SB. So I decided to contact support which, it turns out, I CAN'T DO because every time it fails to connect.


I'm pretty lucky, because as far as the money thing goes, I have a family that's not going to let me founder into crippling penury. I said I wanted to be a dramaturg and they said, "Awesome! I have no idea what that is, but go for it!" And I said, "Neither do I! But I guess we'll find out!" Fuck this. I give up. You win, life.

Day 15 - A song that describes you

Some days I'm like this:

And some days I'm like this:

Today I think I'm more like this:

List )
dramaturgy: ([Glee] Kurt gone Gaga.)
Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure

What the frakking hell.

Come on. You all like a power ballad as much as I do, you just won't admit it on the internet.

List )
dramaturgy: ([Fringe] Olivia.)
Day 12 - A song from a band you hate

This is hard, okay. Because first I had to think of a band that I hated, and that's not something I can just go look in my iTunes for because... well, I don't have any bands that I hate in my iTunes. So I settled on Casting Crowns.

Truthfully, I don't really hate them, per se. And I generally like religious music, even if there are probably about ten songs that everyone seems to record over and over. When I first heard of them, I had a few songs of theirs that I was giving a try, and one of them was What If His People Prayed. I got to this verse:

And what would happen if we prayed
For those raised up to lead the way
Then maybe kids in school could pray
And unborn children see light of day

And I had to go WAIT. WAIT. STOP. It just totally rubs me the wrong way and leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. It's more politics than I like in my spiritual music. Other bands -- Switchfoot, Paul Coleman Trio (no longer a band, but still one of my favorites), Relient K, Sanctus Real -- are not so intent on imposing politics. Which is their right, they can write and sing whatever they want to. It is also my right to not listen to them, go to their concerts, and buy their merchandise.

list )
dramaturgy: ([AI] Sieg heil to the president gasman.)
I have been watching Battlestar Galactica for basically two days, but I don't much care. I will probably get out a little tonight because my grandmother IM'd me all "Let's do something tonight!" It's probably a good thing, because I'll have someone beside the cats to freak out at.

My textbook came and I can't make myself look at it, let alone read it. Jesus guys, I have a class to plan.

Day 11 - A song from your favourite band

I have a lot of favorite bands. Damn.

List )
dramaturgy: ([Glee] Walk walk fashion baby.)
First things first: Emmy nominations!

Second things second: I have a new layout for the first time in like... two years. It's not super fancy or anything and I will probably continue to tweak a little -- I started feeling sick last night and that put a stop to my fun -- but it is Doctor Whoish, which is fun. [livejournal.com profile] dramaturgy

Third things third: meme.

Day 10 - A song that makes you fall asleep

This song has been on my Sleepytime playlist for ages. I don't know if I'll ever take it off.

The miniseries in general is wonderful, but it has a beautiful soundtrack. Everyone should check out the miniseries. I like the old movie, but this is much closer to the book and original story. Not to mention the cast is stellar, even Keira Knightly. Hans Matheson is one of my favorite actors ever, Sam Neill is creepy but wonderful, and before I saw this I didn't even know that Kris Marshall could actually act. BUT HE CAN!
dramaturgy: ([Misc] Blame Mark Ronson.)
I skipped yesterday. Sorry. I'm sure you were all waiting with bated (baited? Neither makes all that much sense, wtf English language) breath, but sorry. Not entering the Dark and Twisty Place is more important.

Day 09 - A song that you can dance to

I'm not ashamed to admit that I can and regularly do dance to this song.

Whatever, ignore the Kanye intro. That part's not on the CD.

List )
dramaturgy: ([SA] MBN.)
My family left this morning for a ten day trip to the boundary waters in Minnesota. Ten days with just me and the cats. Oi.

Day 08 - A song that you know all the words to

So I guess it's not a surprise to anyone that my brain holds a lot of things, including multiple librettos to musicals. But this song I was singing and had memorized almost before I could sing anything else, on account of my mother listening to Les Miz a lot.

List )
dramaturgy: ([SPN] The end is nigh.)
Well today was a national holiday -- nay, THE national holiday, and I spent it alone. Like I probably will next year. I'm fucking depressing myself.

Day 07 - A song that reminds you of a certain event

I just remember when I was a senior and I made the last minute decision to go to prom and damn it doesn't matter, but my friend had been talking about a campaign to get them to play this song at prom, by one of our favorite bands Relient K. This was... well it was back when I knew them primarily as Christian artists, but they'd started to take the turn towards mainstream. Anyway. This song reminds me of the prom that wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

List )
dramaturgy: ([L&O UK] Mattie.)
Look at my Jamie Bamber icon, isn't he cuuuuuute? ♥

I haven't been saying anything because really, there isn't much worth talking about. My family is going to the boundary waters in Minnesota again for ten days at which time I will be alone in the house. I plan on commandeering my brothers Xbox and maybe using it to watch Classic Who I've been downloading, or maybe play video games for the first time in -- eek. I think I was in HIGH SCHOOL the last time I actually played a video game seriously.


Day 06 - A song that reminds you of somewhere

Maybe not my best choice, but:

I was walking along 34th Street in Manhattan this past winter, just before Christmas, and looking at the displays in Macy's windows. It was cold but it wasn't windy so it wasn't like HOLY SHIT BRR GET TO PENN NOW. It was just nice and wintery and Christmasy and I loved standing on the corner of 34th and 6th in that moment.

Anyway, that is the song that reminds me of someplace.

List )
dramaturgy: ([Mentalist] Princess.)
Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone

List )
dramaturgy: ([Castle] MUAHAHA.)
Day 04 - A song that makes you sad

Shit I have a whole army of those.

List )
dramaturgy: ([Celebs] Matt and Karen are awesome.)
Day 03 - A song that makes you happy

There are a lot of songs that make me happy. But today, that is this one:

List )
dramaturgy: ([Misc] Blame Mark Ronson.)
Watching The Tudors series finale, and I can't believe this is it. :( I wish they were continuing. I'd like to give Sarah Bolger the chance to be Bloody Mary and I like this chick who's playing Elizabeth -- seeing all this Seymour stuff with her would be awesome. Oh well, I guess you have to draw the line somewhere. This is fucking amazing, guys. If you haven't watched The Tudors, you should. The history is a little screwed up, but it is way better than some other shows/movies.

Day 02 - Your least favourite song

This seems kind of a silly thing to give you, and it suggests choosing my least favorite of a group, but uh. Here you go, I guess.

OKAY OKAY NO, I GOT IT. So one of my favorite bands was/is *NSYNC (yes I use the asterisk, haters to the left) but I never, ever liked this song. And I was just glad it was at the end of their American debut so that I didn't have to listen to it.

List )
dramaturgy: ([AI] I amount to nothing.)
Last week Kitty was with me and we had fun. I am still in Doctor Who finale afterglow from Saturday, and in my Damn My Friends Are Home Now slump as well as my Try Not To Panic About Teaching mindset with nothing to distract me.

What results is me feeling very confused and a little nauseous. So I'm going to do a 30 day meme. Ang was doing this one, and it's music! Who doesn't love music? I love music.

Day 01 - Your favourite song

I listen to this one A LOT, but of course you have your favorite songs of the moment and your favorites ever. That one was the former, and this is the latter:

List )
dramaturgy: ([BSG] Anders/Starbuck.)
Three things today.

1. I made Tony picks for Sunday, if anybody cares.

2. [livejournal.com profile] copperbadge made a good post about Doctor Who 5x10, "Vincent and the Doctor," here that pretty much says everything I want to, but can't because my heart is too full. It was triggering, it was scary, and it was beautiful.

3. Newsies go Gaga.

That is all.
dramaturgy: ([AI] Johnny.)
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

dramaturgy: ([Heroes] Nathan and Claire.)
So there are any number of things running around my head right now, but mainly I am doing everything possible to NOT FREAK OUT about how I don't have school information. I'm banking on it coming sometime next week -- no, I am praying for it coming sometime next week.

One method of my distraction was going to Summerfest in Milwaukee. As you all know I couldn't go see Flogging Molly, but I DID get to see Elvis Costello, who was AWESOME. I was not a fan per se before, but I definitely am now. I took some really nice pictures with my new camera. We also saw a really cool band called Katzenjammer, who are from Norway. But they were AMAZING. Like, I seriously would have picked up a CD if I could have found it. But, alas.

Katzenjammer )


Phew. That was such an awesome show. ♥

[livejournal.com profile] picspammy's challenge this month is a lot more interesting. \o/

[livejournal.com profile] endofhistory and [livejournal.com profile] duchessdollydot are going to be here in 12-13 hours, so I should probably think about sleeping soon.


dramaturgy: (Default)

May 2017



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