dramaturgy: ([AI] I amount to nothing.)
So Hoff, who directed the Women's Chorale at Coe, died in his home earlier this week. For those of you less schooled in the subtleties of writing and speaking, that's usually code for "suicide" and that was confirmed for me today about twenty minutes ago. There are Coe alums all over the internet buzzing about it, and I already tweeted and wrote on Facebook about it but I'm still trying to make sense of this.

Hoff was not everybody's favorite teacher, as I said, and sometimes he wasn't mine. He pushed for excellence and sometimes I wondered wtf he was doing with us, but it always had results. Sometimes I was resentful for being in the chorale -- it did feel like a consolation prize to not being "good enough" for the mixed choir at times, but there are other times where I would not have jumped to the mixed choir if they'd asked me. I'm sure if you go back into the archives of my journal there will be posts littered with 'OH MY GOD I HATE HOFF RIGHT NOW' and the like, but the fact is that those moments were fleeting. My time with Hoff was... well for lack of a better term, magical.

He was a hard taskmaster at times, yes, but it was all to make us better singers. I love to sing, and I love music. Behind his madness there was method, and always passion. He loved music and he loved theatre. He was head of the New York term program and while I didn't go on that exchange, I did get to go to Europe. I had to have three letters of recommendation; one I got from Steven (a theatre professor), one from Dr. Buckaloo (history) and the third I got from Hoff. He also wrote me a letter for grad school; I don't think it was SUNY (I don't remember how many letters I needed for here) but he did write me one and so because he did that I got to do things that I wasn't sure I would get to do. Some of my favorite memories at Coe, too, are the Winter Convocation, where WC sang the music (I love Christmas music) and the spring concerts, where sometimes it was so dang hot in Sinclair I thought I was going to fall over.

He loved theatre, and he knew I did too. When I was a senior he had made a trip to NY over winter break and had gone to see a bunch of shows. He brought in the souvenir program from Spring Awakening and the revival of Sunday in the Park with George so I could take a look at them. It was a small gesture, but one that meant a lot to me -- and now I'm in New York where Broadway is a train ride away. One year we did music from Phantom of the Opera at our spring concert, so we all gathered at his house, watched the movie, and then we had food after -- lots of delicious food.

Undergrad is the days before I got my depression and anxiety under control, and some mornings -- particularly late fall and winter, I think some of it was seasonal -- I just did not want to get out of bed. It's hard to describe but it is just the complete lack of will to do anything except lay in warm darkness. But most mornings I got out of bed, because I knew that at 12:00 or 11:00 or whenever rolled around, I got to go sing. I was never suicidal -- seriously anyway -- but I was probably close.

To know someone was in some kind of pain so awful that they thought that was the only way is awful, especially when they themselves had a hand in alleviating that pain for you, is indescribable. I wish there was a way I could have known, could have helped, could have repaid him. I don't know what he was thinking or feeling, but I still wish that I could have. Even though I have a certain flair for the dramatic, I'm not saying this to go "oh look at me, a professor I was close to died" or "I deal with these issues too," I am just trying to sort out how I feel. I'm sad. I'm a little angry (in general). I am just generally, all around, upset. I owe the teachers I was close to as an undergraduate a great debt, because it was at Coe that I started becoming the person I am today and started heading towards the person I wanted to become. They all had an amazing hand in that, and one of them took his own life for... whatever reason.

I suppose that I have no choice but to pay it forward, do everything my best, and make every showtune I sing just as expressive and wonderful as Hoff could have hoped to make it.

Guys, suicide doesn't just affect teenagers and young adults. Though I don't really know my thoughts on right to die, I do believe that suicide is a very drastic and permanent solution when the hurt is in your heart and soul and not your body. If you are having suicidal thoughts, then PLEASE tell someone. Anyone. If that someone doesn't listen to you and help you, tell someone else. Tell me. I'll listen, I'll metaphorically hold your hand (literally if I am close enough), and I will help you help yourself best that I can. I'm not a therapist or trained for psychology or anything, I just know what it's like to be in an enormous amount of pain that you don't know what to do with. We can find a better solution than suicide together.

Say a prayer for Richard Hoffman. He touched a lot of lives at Coe, and there are many more who will never be blessed to say they knew him, but he was a man with an enormous heart and a lot of soul, and that should not go unrecognized. Love him or hate him, no one should ever have to feel like suicide is the only option.
dramaturgy: ([ASOIAF] Lannisters.)
Augh tomorrow.

Nobody is answering my phone calls about calling for the "for rent" ads on the website. I've left messages and I'm pretty much pissed off that they won't even call me back. My parents both tell me that we'll work it out, but I just like having my ducks in a row. To quote [livejournal.com profile] grrm, we can't have crooked ducks.

Speaking of [livejournal.com profile] grrm, more casting has been revealed for The Game of Thrones HBO series. As long as he is happy I am happy, or at the very least satisfied to wait on being Judgy McJudgerson, but I am excited about some of their choices. NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU. HARRY LLOYD. TAMZIN MERCHANT. MARK ADDY. SEAN BEAN. JENNIFER EHLE. I'm excited excited. I think this is going to be a really good production, and if it isn't, then I will just have to cry into my pillow.

AND. And and and new season five ads for Supernatural keep popping up and I'm like, damn, is it September 10th yet? Seriously, I want it NOW.

I took my sister to Coe today, and I Twittered about how I was amazed at how little stuff she actually takes. And then she remembered her cactus but forgot the duffel bag of her clothing. (You know, the stuff left to her after Greyhound lost everything else. And apparently they're only liable for up to $250 which is bullshit.) So now I don't feel so bad because while I might have packed too much crap, at least I definitely have everything. She gave me about four hugs goodbye, but since I'm not going to see her again until Christmas, I think it's warranted.

And I definitely just realized that the worst part of this trip is going to be that my mom is going to cry. Shit.

Granted, I don't have anywhere to put it. Minor detail. So instead I'm concentrating on what I'm going to put on my iPod for the ride to New York. I have the Elvis Costello Kitty gave me. I downloaded some Mark Ronson because my interest was piqued, and I'm converting some QAF and SPN to .mp4. *awesome*

Blah.
dramaturgy: ([Misc] <3333)
Today I went to CR to pick up my sister. Oh my gosh you guys, my baby sister is ~done with her first year of undergrad. I'm so proud of her, she's done so well at college. She and her roommate are rooming again next year, she got lucky. Abby's a nice girl.

I delivered thank you cards to the professors who wrote me recommendation letters. I figure it's the least I can do for people who found enough good things to write about me to help this happen. I talked to Dennis and Steven for awhile. It was nice.

BTW, I haven't officially accepted the offer yet, but SUNY won the grad school fight. They are giving me half tuition scholarship as well as an assistantship, whereas Brooklyn can't even be arsed to get back to me two weeks after a phone interview, which is one week later than they said they would. Excited, nervous, it's all there.

And now, since tonight's SPN was designed to KILL ME...

Spoilers. )
dramaturgy: ([Heroes] Praying.)
Good things about today:
1. Phone interview = done. They finally called about twenty to two with huge apologies because they were having phone troubles. Which is fine, I figured logically that's probably what it was. But I freak out about these things. It's what I do.

2. So my sister and her friends and their "Doctor Who Club" is expanding their horizons to "Geekfest." They are a sponsored campus organization as of next year, and are getting FUNDING for their club. They're talking about getting video games in the library (like, for rent) and their slogan is going to be, "Why go Greek when you can go Geek?" I love my sister.

3. Tomorrow I am working in the afternoon (good because I don't have so many hours next week), and also going to see my friends in Arcadia at Coe.
dramaturgy: ([DW/T] Ten/Rose :D)
Man. I am exhausterated (TAKE THAT, BUSH) but for my dime, Gaelic Storm is THE best show around. That said, I don't go see that many bands, and the venue I have now seen them twice in is very intimate -- I have no idea how many, but my guess has to be that it can't be seating THAT many people, I mean, small town Iowa opera house, hello.

[livejournal.com profile] phiremangston and her parents are so nice to put up with me for even that long. I was very nearly tempted into going to a midnight showing of Watchmen with her, but I kind of ran out of money. Oops. >_> All in the name of science! Okay that's a bald-faced lie, the only science that was going on was my brain chemistry every time I looked at the pipes player. I am SHAMELESS.

I was going to write about yesterday yesterday after it happened, but I kind of didn't, if you notice. I took an impromptu road trip to Coe to visit the Registrar and a couple of my professors, and also some friends. It just generally made me miss being an undergrad. My sister and her roommate played "The Doctor Who Fix-It Song" for me and I will undoubtedly be stealing it the second she gets home.

I am planning a music spam/blather post in the style of [livejournal.com profile] kaesa for sometime this weekend, because I think it's a good idea and I love sharing my music (and I love her sharing her music because she has a lot of stuff that is wonderful but I don't even think about looking for, i.e. DaVinci's Notebook).

Now I am babbling in general, so I should probably post this and think about collapsing into bed or something.
dramaturgy: ([Buffy] The Slayer.)
[Error: unknown template qotd]
So this was during my freshman year at college. I was sitting in the cafeteria having dinner. It was kind of late in the dinner time, so I was sitting alone and just trying to hurry and eat my food. This was back before Coe had their big ~*renovation*~ in the caf and it still looked kind of like a prison, ANYWAY the point was I was sitting at one of these tables, and my back was to a bunch of frat guys at the next table. I don't think they were Sinfonians, but they were frat guys.

ANYWAY this was the week or so after the pope died and so it was all over the news on the TVs in the caf. The guys were talking about it too, I guess, because the next thing I know I heard, "Wait, the pope got shot?"

Silence falls at the table and I can just see the "Are You Serious?" looks that all the other guys are giving him, but one finally answers, "... Yeah..." like he's not sure what else to say about it.

There's another moment of silence, after which the first guy says, "Man. I didn't know the pope was a brothah!1"

I almost choked on my bagel.


1I apologize for mangling spelling, etc. But it really needs the ghetto sound to get the desired effect. I am hopelessly white and am fairly sure that this guy was not.
dramaturgy: ([ASOIAF] Benjen Stark.)
I'm sitting here at Panera in Davenport (I work at 1 so I had to ride down with my brother in the morning, long story short) and I just turned to look out the window and it was SNOWING. Just a little. But it was definitely snowing. And then I glared outside and it stopped. :D We'll see how long that lasts. Also, I was standing in line to get a sammich (om nom nom) and this little girl (four, maybe fiveish) said, "Gramma, that lady's so tall!"

LOL.

I went back to Coe yesterday to see Electra, the second fall production. It was amazing, no two ways about it. It reminded me why I love theatre. Not just why I love going to see it, but why I have to make it. I have to do theatre in some way or another. It's one of the few things that all civilizations on earth have had (especially if you're applying a wider definition of theatre), and there's nothing like watching an actor pour themselves into a shell that we call a "character," or helping them to do it.

Also, they made it RAIN in the Dows. That was my first question at the talk back. "I spent four years in this theatre, how did you make it rain?" Basically they took a sprinkler system that would be buried in someone's yard and put it in the grid. I'm gobsmacked. It was brilliant, it worked wonderfully. The walls of the house were supposed to bleed to, since Orestes killed everyone he was supposed to, but the pump jammed and it didn't end up doing that. Damn shame, it would have been awesome.

Everyone was phenomenal. I just. I love it.

My sister, also, skipped classes on Wednesday to go to Chicago with some of her friends to this one Hot Topic where they were selling t-shirts and wristbands to get in an audience with Robert Pattinson. XD It was quite an adventure from the sounds of it. They didn't get in to that smaller audience, but they watched him give a public address in front of Macy's. I asked if he looks as drug addled in person, and she said yes. XD Oh, Robert Pattinson. Never change, please. XD
dramaturgy: ([Merlin] Someone with a brain.)
Grad school freakout. )

So I'm freaking out. I'm going to end on good stuff. Good stuff. Hm.

Well I'm watching The Lazarus Project (third season Doctor Who) and the Doctor just said "We need to turn this up to eleven." I'm always good for a Spinal Tap reference.

HBO gave a production order for A Game of Thrones, which I'm excited about. I'm also contemplating the merits of going to see the new James Bond after work on Saturday.

I work tomorrow 2-5 here at the movie store and then 5:30-9:30 in Davenport, which I'm not really okay with. Boo. My first Stafford Loan payment is due at the end of the month and that's okay, I get paid again before it's due and it'll be okay, but I'm just nervous about future months when I'm not sure if I'll be able to pay. I told you, I'm shite at this adult crap.

(Doctor, you can show up and whisk me away in the TARDIS any minute now...)

Hm. Good... ... ... Jared Diamond is going to be at Coe on February 3rd, and I might actually be finished with Guns, Germs, and Steel by then.

I'm going to stop there before I go back into a freakout.
dramaturgy: ([Celebs] John Barrowman *flail*)
[livejournal.com profile] kay_cricketed said it best:

The metaphor in this is that COE SHOULD COST TEN DOLLARS, LIKE MOST RESPECTABLE HOOKERS.
dramaturgy: ([Disney] GFD!)
Arrrrrrrrgh;salkdjf

I went back to Coe tonight to see the play and it was marvelous. We have talented actors at Coe and this was an especially momentous occasion, as it was the first time we did plays by black playwrights. Florence and The Dutchman were both staged as a joint venture called A Dream Deferred, A Race Derailed. A couple of years ago, we read Topdog, Underdog in our theatre history class, and the question came up: why do we not do this play? It's an excellent play, it's probably one of my favorites that I had to read for theatre history, and I read a lot of plays. But it was said that we couldn't do these sorts of plays (where African-American/ethnic casting is needed for the play to make sense), i.e., put them on the schedule if no one was going to show up and audition. There's a certain amount of logic to this; we (and when I say "we" I mean the department) needed to decide whether or not if we built it, they would come.

Well, we built it. And they came.

Jackie, I'll give you more details later if you want them I promise, I am just REALLY tired right now. And if you all read on you will find out why.

The short story: I dropped my car key down the elevator shaft in Murray.

The long story: After the play was over I bid my sister good night some of my friends (Lizabe [[livejournal.com profile] techie34], Ashley, Rae, and Chelsea) were getting ready to go to the Homecoming dance, and I was catching up with them some while they did so. I was going to go to the truck (I was driving my dad's Big Truck) and they were going to go to the dance, so we were heading out together. I had the key out and I guess I didn't have a good hold on it or something and it fell out of my hand and RIGHT in the space between the elevator car and the floor. There was much swearing and gnashing of teeth and a little crying (you know how I get). We talked to the RA on duty who did his best to help us (even taping a hook to a broom handle to try and stick in the shaft, bless him) and well. They can't get into the shaft until they can get maintenance in there which would have been tomorrow at the very, very earliest but more likely Monday. And, the cynic in me says, most likely even later than that, because this is Coe College. (It's like Sparta, except it sucks.) So Lizabe, GOD BLESS HER, I LOVE LIZABE, lent me her car so I could drive home. I'll go back tomorrow, return the car, and take the truck back. I parked the truck in a zone that had no parking between 11 PM and 8 AM or something, right there on 1st Ave, but of course I didn't figure on leaving it there over night. I figure I'll have a parking ticket (FUCK) but I am petrified that it's going to be towed and impounded, because I don't owe enough people money already.

I just. Why do these things always happen to me?
dramaturgy: ([Heroes] A powerful mimic.)
Well, I worked today, so I got to pretend to be a contributing member of society. Which is good. I get paid tomorrow, which is also good. Of course I worked nine and a half hours in the last pay period, so yeah. Not much going on there.

It's been a TV week. Heroes, Mentalist, Project Runway, and Office under here. Just cut so I can ramble spoileryish. )

... Well the important stuff behind the cut is that I volunteered for a staff review position at The Two Cents, where I am going to be reviewing The Mentalist and Dirty Sexy Money weekly.

I've also been studying for the GRE (of course! I'm taking it on October 18), and reading Cracked.com, where they have hilarity such as 4 Celebrities Who Just Might Be Superhero Alter Egos, 11 Most Badass Last Words Ever Uttered, 5 Historical Figures Who Died The Weirdest Deaths, and The 5 Pimpingest Historical Figures. Go on. Read. You won't be disappointed.

Tomorrow we're heading to Coe for the Homecoming concert and then I'm going back on Saturday night because of the play. It'll be awesome.

ETA: Love Meme.
dramaturgy: (Default)
I don't even know if I have the words to describe how the last week has been. It's been amazing. [livejournal.com profile] thinkatory and [livejournal.com profile] raven22 were here until Sunday, and then I stayed with [livejournal.com profile] thinkatory's family in Milwaukee until yesterday. I had a really good time, I really did. There's just no words for being able to be with people you know you're supposed to be with when IM windows have to suffice for the rest of the time.

Maybe someday. But it's just such a letdown to be home alone again, even if I get to go back next week when [livejournal.com profile] roseanna's there.

Until then, new icon. Have a little JGroff in Hair.

While I was there, we got our first FA review on [livejournal.com profile] fathersandsons */pimp* which tickles me so much. So so much. *bounce*

My sister goes to school on August 19th. :o She's living in Murray, which was the dorm I stayed in with [livejournal.com profile] kay_cricketed our sophomore year. I think she actually might be in Mel's old room, 201? Something like that. Anyway, she's been talking to her roommate through Facebook and apparently they've hit it off spectacularly -- they're into anime, manga, and Twilight. I hope they're just different enough that it works out but similar enough to stay friends. You know? She seems to have been pretty lucky, I've been pretty lucky when it comes to roommates.
dramaturgy: (Bad on so many levels (by sarken))
I broke the copier in the financial aid office.

Uh. Crap.

ETA: From Yahoo News:

"Seinfeld has proven how you can move beyond TV and continue to be as big and as popular and as in demand as ever without having to punch the clock every night," said Aaron Barnhart, television columnist for the Kansas City Star who used to write a newsletter on late-night.

...? In what, American Express commercials? </cynicism>

I suppose he's got stand up type stuff, but it needed to be said.
dramaturgy: (Fralice)
One e-mail since 3:00 this afternoon and I'm sad. I'm such an e-mail whore. ;_;

Today was a busy day, but I'm glad it's almost over.

OH. Today was my first venture into the library--

([livejournal.com profile] i_am_dj: ::mocks::
[livejournal.com profile] midhenaer: At least I know where it is.)


--and I made the most wonderful discovery... ever. The AV department downstairs has about every movie I've wanted to see but couldn't rent for one reason another (usually brother or sister) and they're FREE so guess where I'll be visiting a lot. So I got American Beauty, Trainspotting, and Lolita (with Jeremy Irons and Dominique Swain). I am not a h0r for movies with Leviosa PBs in them. Well I have to have something to do this weekend when Leisl and [livejournal.com profile] mcdigitalgumby go home.

Actually I think I'm set for the weekend. A psych paper and a creative writing presentation are due on Monday along with up to act three of "Measure for Measure". Mrph. If I had a minute of free time I'd give myself a new LJ layout but as we see that's not happening. Oh well.
dramaturgy: (Happy is what happens)
YAYAYAYAYAY PACKAGE FROM HOME!!

I have had almost the most amusing morning ever. Almost. I think the best part thus far was in US History when Professor Buckaloo slipped on the word God when talking about Quaker theology and the "almost literal translation of the likeness of God" or somesuch so it came out "the likeness of Gollum". I was all WTF? for a moment and then I realized he'd slipped.

Ah well. We also discussed in CW how, as the semester lengthens, the Space-Time Continuum shrinks. Stokes assures me this is not the case HOWEVER I would like a second opinion. Anyone? Bueller?

Package contains:
- One (1) Wicked t-shirt (oops...)
- Two (2) bags of popcorn (I've got popcorn coming out my ears here)
- One (1) Class of 2004 t-shirt (I left that at home, but um, okay!)
- One (1) letter from mom
- One (1) newspaper article chronicling what various classmates of mine have done with their Cory money. I still haven't figured out what to do and I still have the money.
- Two (2) videotapes. (OMG SHE TAPED THE WEST WING AND SENT IT TO ME I LOVE MY MOM)
dramaturgy: (Fabdemona. Someone to share...)
I am so dead tired. I'm also at work study. Look at me, updating my journal from the Coe financial aid office! I'M A BAD KID! ::sets a bad example::

Aghhhh. I have to move my car from the overnight lot tonight because it's been there since Monday night. I hope I don't have a ticket. I was going to go to Target because I need a belt (my pants keep falling downe yay!), poptarts, and something for my face because it is so icky and broke out. Wah. But upon an inquiry at the ATM, I found out that I have about $20 less dollars than I thought in my checking account. Er. And I have no idea where this error occurred.

Chad had to leave work because he's also working for the democratic party and we all told him to get out of here and work his ass off. I don't know what he's doing, but... guh. I don't think I need to say anymore!

Oh yes, and welcome [livejournal.com profile] mcdigitalgumby to Ye Olde Friends Liste. It's a nice place to be, and I'm sure you'll fit right in. Or something. Not like I don't see you... yeah. Every night in my room. :P

I'm tired. I think I'll sleep through dinner and reheat the Paul Revere's pizza from Monday night because I just want to nap. ::whine:: I was so tired on Tuesday night after finishing my story that I couldn't see straight and I didn't even remember how I ended the story.

I should probably try and be productive. Twenty more minutes till I get to leave!

ETA: I have FOUR Fabdemona icons. Out of 50. This is 8%. With one more it would be 10%, or 1/10. Thank you and welcome to the insanity
dramaturgy: (Bad on so many levels (by sarken))
Last night I went to be around ten because I was Not Feeling Well, and got to sleep pretty quickly. Around 10:45, the fire alarm goes off and nearly scares the shit out of me because that sucker is loud. I swear there were dead bodies in cemeteries miles away sitting up and going, "What's that racket?" After awhile we got to come back in. There was whisperings of why it had been pulled (a girl in the fifth floor lighting her sheets on fire accidentally and an overloaded dryer were the two I heard, but WTF?), but I didn't care. I just wanted bed.

After rolling around a little bit and Leisl going to meet the guy she's made friends with (and kissed, er) I finally got to sleep and woke up bright and early this morning. At seven. Then I had to go to work study where OMG cute guy's time overlaps in the FA office with mine. Hee.

And now, lunch and choir. I think I had something else to say but I forget what it was. Hrm.
dramaturgy: (1-800-BITE-ME (by sarken))
I'm so glad I live in the first year dormitories, where I can wake up to things like boys laughing loudly and banging on doors (2:30) and "Hey Bitches" written on the bathroom mirror (just now).
dramaturgy: (Good to be sad)
Yay.

Whew.

If my brain weren't encased in my head, it would leak. ::plugs ears::

Today was long and suffice it to say I want my mommy. Or something.

When I first tried, my internet didn't work (argh) but then [livejournal.com profile] roseanna fixed it by methods yet unknown to me. She's just that good.

I don't have to do anything until noon tomorrow because I was exempt from the writing sample. ::dance:: Yay for sending in something for the writing scholarship and stuff. Hooray.

And. I brought a lot of crap. That is all.
dramaturgy: (Happy is what happens)
Well this is it. Another one of those obligatory milestone posts. I think I made one the day before my high school graduation and another one I don't know when. This is my last night at home before I go to college and start a new chapter of my life. Metaphorically speaking.

The packing count is:
One (1) backpack.
Six (6) medium sized cardboard boxes.
Two (2) 18 gallon Rubbermaid totes.
One (1) laundry basket with various things that I shouldn't pack -- i.e. my flute and CD for choir audition.
One (1) large suitcase with last minute things that I will run around the house and pack tomorrow before I leave.
One (1) messenger bag with all my computer gear.
One (1) partridge in a pear tree.

::sigh:: This will be interesting.

In other news, [livejournal.com profile] kaesa is back, which kicks my ass.

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