dramaturgy: ([AI] We are the waiting.)
I wish my teacher wouldn’t say things like “Work on that internship.” Because when he says that, I hear an implied accusation that I haven’t been working on it. That it doesn’t worry me, or put holes in my stomach, or make me lay awake at night in anxiety. It’s the same thing I hear whenever conservative douchenozzles give the “Bootstraps!” condescending bullshit. The implication that my best is not good enough and it’s my fault because I haven’t looked hard enough. I can’t make people give me an interview, and I can’t make people hire me.

I’m sure he doesn’t mean for it to sound like that, at least that is what I am choosing to believe. I’m certain the damage is all mine, but it is still… my damage.

Whatever, Liz. No1curr.
dramaturgy: ([Sherlock] Hng.)
I should be finishing my thesis.

but I’m not.

I’m on page twenty-five of about forty and I just. My brain. pffffffffffft

I mean I’m not actually going to finish my degree this semester because I haven’t had a professional internship.

so I’m kind of like what’s the point.

dramaturgy: ([SA] Wanting to feel)
Well, Spring Awakening is now over.

I think it went well. I had some very talented cast members and some great support.

And now I have to sit down, figure out what it all means, and write my thesis.

I think what I've learned most is that if I want to direct, I have to actually work for someone who does it and is perhaps willing to teach me the craft instead of just throw a Mikhail Chekhov book at me and expect me to "get" it.

Oh well. Win some, and all that.
dramaturgy: ([Celebs] Everything is Tveit and nothing)
It's been a long time since I've updated updated and... I don't know if I could possibly talk about everything that's happened.

Despite nervously eyeing my finances the entire time, I have had basically the best summer of my life. I stayed with [livejournal.com profile] occultebelta in Brooklyn for most of it, where Manhattan was a forty minute subway ride instead of an hour and a half on a train and jostling through Penn Station. [livejournal.com profile] thinkatory came to see us in the last week of July and I got to share my favorite city with two of my best friends. I took Bee home to Canada at the end of her time here and stayed the weekend.

I'd already privately decided I'm never going back to Iowa on any kind of permanent basis if I can absolutely help it, but this has put a firm seal on that. I love New York.

We saw a lot of shows, including a very... interesting "Hamlet 3-D" which was okay, but the 3D was only during The Mousetrap for some reason, and I ended up taking off my glasses anyway because it was making me a little ill. It was pretty cut down, but the guy who was playing Hamlet (Sam Underwood) was PHENOMENAL. I also saw Carney at the Bowery Ballroom at the end of July and Dear. Freaking. God. They are a great band who records very, very well but they are amazing live. And the Rent revival was... their "Another Day" was so good I could have puked. I don't know possibly how else to describe it.

Anyway, I have a lot of theatre opinions and I need to share them, but that's why I have my Theatre Blog. And since that blog got me in to Blogger's Night at Catch Me If You Can, I better keep using it. I am going to try and make a habit to write something there at least once a week. The point of a blog is to update it regularly and gain a readership; if you don't update you're not going to cultivate shit. Secretly, I'd like to be one of those theatre bloggers that people talk to and respect. I could make a living working for Playbill, or Broadway.com, or whatever. But mostly I want to talk about theatre to anybody who will listen and, well, isn't that what the internet is for?

School starts in two weeks. I finished my syllabus today, because last night I had a nightmare where my syllabus wasn't finished, I couldn't get any of the technology to work, and for some reason I was teaching in a room in my middle school and had given them a math assignment. I don't know. I'm sure there's a deep Freudian meaning there, but I just kind of want to leave it alone.

I'm sure I'll be back to being here complaining daily in short order. Don't worry.
dramaturgy: ([DW/T] Rory counting the Silence.)
Today is Commencement. I suppose this is where my roommates have been all day because I think they are graduating. I don't know, I don't really care.

I was going to have a great thinky thoughts post here about how I graduate next year (with any luck), but then I got an e-mail from the lady at Jujamcyn and "there isn't a position available for [me]" which, you know, sucks because I really wanted to do it. Only in theatre is knowing a little bit about everything and knowing how to do a lot and willing to do literally ANYTHING a bad thing. I'll keep looking for things to do that will occupy my time and maybe put a little money in my pocket, but right now I just want to sit here and Think About What I've Done by thinking everything could go my way for once.

There's one part of my brain that says, "Remember how you said you were never going to get into grad school and you did? And remember how you didn't think you could manage having your own car and you did? And remember how you didn't think you could etc and you did?" But the other part of my brain says to fuck off.

I'm moving tomorrow. I guess the best I can do is look for something else to fill my time, especially if Old Navy plans to stick with scheduling me one day a week. 'Cause I'm sorry, that ain't gonna pay for shit.

My dad said he and my mom would help as long as it wasn't much, but I'm twenty-five. I should be able to pay my own rent and things. Not to mention I don't know how much my parents had to sink into getting my grandmother into a nursing home (which she is in. I haven't spoken to her. This is going to sound stupid but I hope she gets internet there, because the people she knows from there are her friends like you all are mine). I'd like to go home to visit but I'm afraid to now.

I love being here in New York. If I couldn't stay out here and work I don't know what I would do.

brb looking for that window God's supposed to open when he shuts a door on me.
dramaturgy: ([S-M] Kiss.)
My ducks are getting in a row, somewhat. I have a place to live -- and I may even actually be able to afford it -- although I have no idea on earth how I'm going to afford anything else unless one of the internships calls me and Old Navy starts scheduling me again. They didn't schedule me last week and I don't work this week either. Maybe they're trying to be courteous with the end of the year, finals and all. But I don't know. Why would you hire someone to not schedule them? I thought about opening a card and live off of that for a little bit (just important stuff, I promise) but if I don't have to I'd really rather not.

I should be reading a play and making talking points for tomorrow but guess what, I don't want to.

My play was chosen for the reading. I'm happy about that and excited to hear it out loud, particularly if we can get the actors that we want. My classmate who is actually dramaturging the play (I don't have to 'turg since my play is being worked on -- I'm doing other things to compensate workload wise) is super excited about it and that makes me excited.

I wish that the stupid "Work from Home!" things on the internet weren't all scams that want me to pay them to join the club and then are basically like it's your fault if you're not making the money you want. If there were a place that I could get paid to do freelance work at, that would be cool.

IDK. I am not really a materialistic person, I don't think, but I worry about money because I don't feel like I have any.

My grandmother is doing better. She's not in the nursing home yet, she's in the hospital in 'skilled care', something like that. I talked to her on the phone on Mother's Day and she sounded like she was in good spirits. My mom said that eventually they would be going through the house and gathering things, probably in order to sell? I don't know. That house has been my grandparents' house my whole life and most of my dad's... I don't know what to feel. Mom told me if there were things that I wanted to make a list but of course now that I'm trying to go through the house in my head I'm drawing a complete blank. It feels weird to be putting dibs on her stuff. I guess I just thought that the phrase "You can't take it with you" meant when you die, not when you go to the home.

Whatever. Have an icon of Jenn Damiano kissing Reeve Carney.
dramaturgy: ([BSG] Starbuck is unhappy.)
I have so much I want to talk about. But since brevity is the soul of wit and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief.

My sister is still in Japan of this moment. She's okay, there wasn't much damage in Nagoya from the earthquake, but she's going (I keep typing 'coming' but I'm not there) home for a bit and she'll get in on Monday. I don't know if my mom will ever let her go anywhere ever again, but maybe now at least she won't drive me crazy for a bit. I love my mother and understand being worried, but seriously. (I also understand that she is ~mother and her worry probably outshines any that I had -- and I was a bit worried but my sister is a smart girl and the Japanese know how to handle it.) I told Gretchen to grab something good when the looting started, but apparently they don't do that. Which is cool.

Sunday I went and saw Angels in America at Signature again. They changed the cast, and Michael Urie was playing Prior so obviously I had to go. As much as I hesitate to say it... Michael Urie is totally my Prior. Justin Kirk is wonderful in the film, and Christian Borle was amazing, but Michael? He was inspired. He was just the perfect combination of righteous, queeny rage, fear, awareness of the absurdity of it all, and at times, utter contempt for the world around him. And how he looks in a dress is exactly as unfair as you would think it is.

Adam Driver was a newcomer as Louis. I LOVED him. He LOOKED like a neurotic Jewboy, and had amazing comic timing. At first I thought he was a little stiff but I warmed up to him. I actually ended up liking Louis a little lot more than I usually do -- which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Considering some of the things he does, it increases my sympathy and emotional reaction when he does or says reprehensible things. Truthfully, Bill Heck puts too much ANGRY~ in his Joe for my taste. I get that he's supposed to be confused and maybe a bit self-loathing, but I don't think I should fear for Harper's safety when they're arguing. I didn't like Keira Keeley (I think that's her name) as Harper as much as I liked Zoe Kazan. Zoe was a bit younger, more ethereal -- I could believe she went flying and saw ex-drag queens in her hallucinations, but Keira went a bit more zombiesque with her interpretation at times. And there was a lot of yelling. :\ Bill Porter was still Belize and he was STILL fabulous. Jeffrey Wright is Jeffrey Wright but Bill Porter was DIVAING OUT. The angel was good. I don't know if I like her as much as Robin Weigert, but it was a different interpretation. A lot more human at all times, not just sometimes.

I didn't want to stalk too much -- stagedooring Off-Broadway is a different culture than Broadway shows, I'm finding -- but I wanted to fangirl Michael Urie a little and was under orders from [livejournal.com profile] occultebelta to do so. So he signed my copy of The Temperamentals and told him I'd enjoyed that play as well, I'm teaching it in my 101 class this semester (last semester wasn't so impressed with Angels), and it was in part due to that play that I want to pursue my MFA project in queer dramaturgy. I voiced a concern about identifying straight -- in my experience, cautious self-deprecation and disclaiming works out better in the end when it's genuine -- and he blew it off. He said, "You may have more to say than a queer artist." So therefore I intend to make no more apologies about it. Onward and upward. Michael Urie said so.

Last week I applied and interviewed for a customer service position at Old Navy -- so basically what I'd been doing at Lane Bryant, but I'll be able to do it in jeans. Except when they offered me the position and tried to set up a time for me to come in for training and such, they proceeded to ignore the availability I gave them when I applied and tried to get me to come in Monday during classtimes, Tuesdays when I'm teaching, and damn. I don't even. Why? So I gave him my availability AGAIN and he said he'd call back. That was Wednesday. So if this is going to be a chronic problem I'm not sure I want to work for them. Because my school and teaching job are going to come first. Sorry. The end.

I had two major writing assignments due last Monday. Of course I left them until the last minute. One was a ten minute play, which I actually ended up being proud of despite not considering myself a playwright (it's hard to give all the information the audience needs just in dialogue without being didactic or fake). I got a B+ on a paper on Elizabethan foreign policy. I probably would have gotten higher if I'd been able to bother with MLA formatting and edit properly, but no. She did compliment my handling of the history though, so I will take it.

I've sort of started using my tumblr that I made to see what the fuss was about. And when I say 'using' I mean I'm reblogging shit like it's going out of style. It's here.

I am giving serious thought as to when I want to move, and 'soon' is what comes to mind. Twice this week I have been woken at 9:30 by a roommate (the same roommate) wailing the song "Fuck You" at the top of her voice. First of all, that's a god awful song 24/7, and second, 9:30 is not the proper hour to be shouting songs.

I just have this fear of not having enough money to stay in an apartment elsewhere and getting evicted and having to live in my car. Which is stupid. But I get anxious, I get depressed about being anxious, I get anxious because I don't get anything done when I'm depressed and it piles up, etc.

Also, Galileo is going to suck. And that is an objective assessment.
dramaturgy: ([SPN] Anna is dangerous.)
Since I don't think I'm smart enough for "The Politics of Aesthetics," let's have an LJ update instead.

Last weekend I was feeling a bit sick, and by Monday night I had a raging sinus infection. So I cancelled my class for Tuesday and went to the doctor and got some drugs. He was a nice doctor; we had a lovely conversation about Iowa because I was wearing my Coe College sweatshirt (I need a new one, this one's getting all ratty) and apparently his mother grew up in Cedar Rapids. Wednesday I was still on my back, but I woke upon Thursday and cared about things again, so I decided I could teach and go to Galileo rehearsal -- which is going really well. I'm enjoying it.

Friday was hella busy. I went into the city to run some errands; I dropped off/picked up scripts at Young Playwrights and got my brother a birthday gift. I walked around in the theatre district. I love the city so much, sometimes it actually hurts me.

Then I went with another woman in the program to see an NT Live broadcast of Donmar Warehouse's production of King Lear with Derek Jacobi. Now, I am a huge fan of Michael Grandage and the Donmar. I think they do beautiful shows that are not dependent on design or spectacle, but instead allow actors and plays to do the work for themselves and letting talent shine through. I would seriously give my right arm to work for that man.

That said, I also don't have another Lear that I've seen to compare it to -- but it was stunning. Derek Jacobi is just as marvelous as you think he would be from beginning to end. Gina McKee was an awesome stone cold bitch as Goneril. The brothers were also great, and the whole thing with them and Gloucester was so wonderful it hurt. Edmund was compact and sort of weaselly looking, and Edgar was tall, gallant -- basically everything he's supposed to be. (And he was doing some dead ringer Matt Smith and his confusing yet sexually exciting facial hair action as Tom, which was only a little distracting but it was working for me.) There was this wonderful/awful moment after Gloucester's been blinded and meets with Edgar again, still as Tom, he slips and calls him "father" when me and probably a good 70% of the audience all went, "Ohh" because it hurt so good. Ron Cook made me cry as the Fool -- he was superb. I have seen him onstage twice (I suppose technically three times?) and he is just so great every single time.

I don't know if I've ever had my heart broken quite like when Lear came on, wailing -- not so much crying as just a full out cry of despair -- with Cordelia's body.

They also advertised the next NT Live broadcast which is Johnny Lee Miller and Benedict Cumberbatch trading off lead roles of the Creature and Victor Frankenstein in "Frankenstein." They're going to do one broadcast for each and DO WANT. I want to see both.

Spider-Man is hiring a script doctor which is honestly what needed work but there is a part of me going ASSHOLES I'M A DRAMATURG THAT'S MY JOB.

Also I'm coming to that time where I have a lot of things to do and I don't want to do any of them, and some of them don't have a penalty like not doing homework does. These are things like finding a job, and finding internships to apply for.

ETA: Since I'm a big old slut for production/rehearsal photography, here's some for Lear.
dramaturgy: ([AI] Holiday.)
1. I need a bingo card for Christmas.

2. I need to not read [livejournal.com profile] sf_drama which is sad because I kind of love that comm and all the delicious, delicious wank it brings me, but it also makes me ridiculously paranoid about my maybe MFA project and how maybe the heterosexual, cisgendered white girl doesn't have the right to say anything about LGBTQ dramaturgy and I'm being stupid and appropriative and a;sdkjf

3. Spider-Man and the actors in it have been through a lot of shit. I hope it's done having accidents and can shake the stigma. It really does deserve to become a hit. ... But I'm still using my Christmas money to buy a t-shirt in case it doesn't.
dramaturgy: Grey's Anatomy - Meredith and Cristina. ([GA] I'm your person.)
So for my Teaching Practicum, my final project was writing a teaching philosophy. I don't even know half of what I said, I kind of went into a trace like state and just said a bunch of stuff, but my teacher liked it. So I don't know, there are a lot of teachers on my flist, so maybe someone else will get something out of it.

Liz's Five Tenants of Teaching. )
dramaturgy: ([HP] I hate you all.)
A cold may have just turned into a sinus infection. Fine.

Bee came and went last week. We managed to see both parts of Angels in America (amazing), John Gallagher Jr at Rockwood Music Hall (great show), Promises Promises (Molly Shannon's first night, amazing, and Kristin Chenoweth sang the opening to "O Canada" at the stage door), Next To Normal (we took [livejournal.com profile] memoryofroses with us. It was awesome, Jason Danieley and Marin Mazzie are THE FUCKING SHIT), and American Idiot. I dropped off my resume for Michael Mayer, so we'll see if anything comes of that.

Now I am trying to catch up with the things I ignored while she was here that I hadn't been able to do beforehand. Except I just feel like crap and like all I'm doing is disappointing people. People have been telling me all week, "Oh, you look miserable!" Well... YEAH. I'm sick. Do you know anyone who doesn't seem a little miserable and pathetic when they're sick?

I cancelled my 101 class on Wednesday. Because seriously. They did not want to be there and I did not want to teach, so I figured we could all just stay home and be happy.

Blech. I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Tuckman for my thyroid, I might see if he'll give me some antibiotics too. MY MOMMY DIAGNOSED ME OVER THE INTERNET, NOW GIVE ME SOME DRUGS.
dramaturgy: ([AI] OTP I guess?)
Today's lesson = success! But I have to keep going. This teaching thing is exhausting me. Maybe one day I'll get to talk about my REAL class or Caucasian Chalk Circle.

Man and I do not do well in heat. I just wilt like a little flower.
dramaturgy: ([DW/T] Donna.)
Exhausted.

Teaching went okay today. It's my big stress right now. I mean, it was first day so it's not like I was actually teaching anything. You know how it is, you have introductions, you do syllabus, and you let them go. The real test is going to be Wednesday when I actually have to teach stuff.

I hate this beginning of the semester stuff when I'm trying to remember how it feels to get shit done.

Zzzzzzzz.

My mom was fired on Friday. Supposedly the doctor (did I just capitalize that? Yes I did) finds her difficult to work with and she hasn't improved sufficiently since her review. I wouldn't be shocked if his wife had something to do with it, since my mom has the gall to get mad at her when she fucks things up or is just not using logic. And she henpecks the doctor something awful. So like I said, I wouldn't be shocked.

I just sucks.

Home.

Aug. 25th, 2010 10:24 pm
dramaturgy: ([AI] I amount to nothing.)
I'm anxiety piling, so excuse me.

I said the other day that 'home' was a really complicated word, and I find that a lot of people my age feel the same.

I was talking to my mother and was talking about driving back to school before I left. Before I knew it I called New York 'home'. But it's not. New York is where I am living and going to school (for now. For at least the next two years. Please don't even start me on my thoughts on the matter right now) but it's not home. I don't know if it could be. Iowa is kind of home. It's where I grew up, but there are many things I don't like about it. I don't know. My family's there, and my family's probably not leaving any time soon. I don't have a boyfriend, I don't even have a prospect. I don't have someone I want to make a life with. I don't have ties like that here. I don't know if I want them.

When we saw my sister last, I put the Mamma Mia soundtrack to drive to because I needed to stay awake. Stupid idea, because eventually we got to this song:



I saw this movie with my mother, so that whole mother/daughter thing his ~super hard with me. I really do miss my mother, she's one of my best friends, and this stupid song makes me bawl every time.

So home is complicated. I don't know where my heart is so I don't know where my home is, but what I do know if where I pay money to store all my stuff and sleep a few hours a night.
dramaturgy: ([SPN] Hey Assbutt.)
Holy crap.

I realized that I basically have a week and a half before I go back to school, so I am trying to schedule myself accordingly. I have a To Do list that is kind of intimidating. It's short but they're BIG THINGS like "finish syllabus" (my assignments are all laid out, but there are some miscellaneous things that have to be finished), "make up reading quizzes" (not all of them for the semester, but the first few weeks laid out would be a relief), and "packing."

At least I took my baby through the car wash.

I've been watching Wonderfalls since there's only thirteen episodes. I'm enjoying it, but I'm not all omg need next episode NOW like I was with Pushing Daisies. I love Caroline Dhavernas, she's very funny. And Lee Pace is of course amazing. And tall. ♥_♥ okay that got derailed very quickly. But the point remains. Katie Finneran! Tracie Thoms! It's all good.

Yesterday I faffed about making fanmixes for [livejournal.com profile] brb_gallifrey. I want to share them with you all too. So here's my first one: Man With No Country, a mix for the Doctor.

Man With No Country )
dramaturgy: ([TLU] Cards.)
I've started reading the textbook (two to three weeks after I should have? Yes, why do you ask?) and I'm on chapter four. I might have to teach the chapters out of order, but when you wait until chapter eleven to give a historical overview, you leave me no choice to at least consider it.

I need a tag for adventures in teaching. Any witty suggestions? I'm fresh out at the moment.

Day 24 - A song that you want to play at your funeral



It's depressing to think about, but should I step off a street corner and get hit by a bus, I'm holding all of you responsible for pointing my parents or whoever's planning the funeral towards this post.

List )
dramaturgy: ([Misc] I am never going to work again)
I have been trying to get an exam copy of the textbook I'm supposed to be teaching. Yes, I went ahead and bought a regular copy 'cause I didn't know what else to do, but then I had a thought, since I am an anxiety-riddled twentysomething who is not happy unless she has something to hyperventilate about (as though my discovered money troubles of yesterday weren't enough): what if there is stuff I NEED in the exam copy? So I tried again to order the book, except their website has a malfunction. It won't let me list my appropriate department at SB. So I decided to contact support which, it turns out, I CAN'T DO because every time it fails to connect.

ARGH.

I'm pretty lucky, because as far as the money thing goes, I have a family that's not going to let me founder into crippling penury. I said I wanted to be a dramaturg and they said, "Awesome! I have no idea what that is, but go for it!" And I said, "Neither do I! But I guess we'll find out!" Fuck this. I give up. You win, life.

Day 15 - A song that describes you

Some days I'm like this:



And some days I'm like this:



Today I think I'm more like this:



List )
dramaturgy: ([Glee] Jesse + Rachel.)
WELL it's been a long few days. Last you heard from me I was... wow, okay, [livejournal.com profile] roseanna was still with me in Long Island. I sent her home and then the following week I came home myself. Thursday I started driving home, I stayed overnight in Ohio, and made it back on Friday afternoon. Saturday was William's first birthday so my mom, Gretchen, and I went to see Cat and William. He's such a corker. She and the father's family are still having custody issues, and I think she's supposed to be back in court today. The less I say about that, the better, I think.

Otherwise, my sister is living in an apartment in Cedar Rapids with Abby for the summer and she's going to Japan in the fall, and my brother is still doing nothing with his life. I swear, I am this close to 911ing Dr. Phil on his ass, mostly because I think if I 911'd on Cat and Chris, I think it would be sticking my nose in. Oh, I'd forgotten how nice it was to not be the center of all this drama. (Although at least this drama involves things that I actually care about, unlike Who Gets The Desks In The Office With A Window.)

But that's neither here nor there.

Now I'm going to talk about fannish things. In here there are spoilers for finales of The Mentalist, Private Practice, Grey's, and Supernatural, recent eps of Glee and Doctor Who, and the Heroes cancellation. Maybe this will get me in the mood to review the six or so shows I have seen since I posted my last review on Theatre Geekery. )

Phew. That was long. But I think I said my piece.

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