dramaturgy: ([Sherlock] Hng.)
I should be finishing my thesis.

but I’m not.

I’m on page twenty-five of about forty and I just. My brain. pffffffffffft

I mean I’m not actually going to finish my degree this semester because I haven’t had a professional internship.

so I’m kind of like what’s the point.

dramaturgy: ([Misc] Reeve.)
I haven't written in here in a long time, because there's nothing I really want to talk about.

Bee is here in town, and by here I mean in Brooklyn and going to Cap 21 in Manhattan. I've been flip flopping back and forth between being her hausfrau and being back here on Long Island in order to work my four weekly hours at Old Navy which doesn't pay for crap. I opened a line of credit so that I can ruin my credit rating forever have some help living.

It seems like all I do is worry about money and long story short, it's fucking upsetting, right.

BUT some good news: I did get offered a REAL dramaturging job. And when I say real I mean I'm going to work with playwrights from Young Playwrights on the Urban Retreat for a couple of days. Elizabeth mentioned there was an "honorarium" for dramaturgs. So whether that means I get a sandwich and a metrocard or fifty buck I don't know.

I've been looking for more ways to make money and put in applications everywhere that's accepting them. The problem is that no one is hiring seasonal anymore and there's no way I'll be able to keep three jobs and be a student come September.
dramaturgy: ([Misc] Rocking out.)
A List of Things That Have Happened in the last 72ish Hours:

1. I saw Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark 2.0. General impression: I like what it became. It’s very cohesive, and different. Some things I don’t like so much, but I’m trying to be vigilant of what I genuinely didn’t like or what is a knee jerk reaction in response to missing the old.

2. I saw my aunt and met her sisters. I say her sisters because she’s not a blood relative, but she was married to my uncle for the 20ish years before they divorced. So we kept her. I’d met one sister before, and I didn’t even know there were two more. But they were awesome, and I love my aunt.

3. We saw a comedy show at The Comic Strip in the city — headliner Bill Bailey. I freaked out and they were like, “Uh we have no idea who this is but awesome,” but he was great. Most of the other comics were also funny although a couple were just awful. And one lifted Victor Borge’s vocal punctuation routine, so I was Not Impressed.

4. I met a nice guy who is a friend of Bee’s friend and was in the apartment when she arrived on Friday. XD He was super sweet. We’re going to hang out.

5. Bee and I also made friends with an usher at the Foxwood — he was hilarious. He was on top of the asshats taking pictures in the theatre and at one point said, “The ONLY PERSON who can take pictures in this theatre is PETER PARKER.” And lo, I LOL’d. Loudly. and then we gave props to one of the security guys at the stage door because he had to announce that Reeve Carney wasn’t signing that night. (Which is probably for the best.) He was joking with the other security guy and asked, “Why do I have to give the bad news?” We told him that we had his back. And I so would have. I mean, the guy is just doing his job, and Reeve just put on a hell of a show, so like. Sit down and shut up, you know? Stage dooring is cool and all, I love it as much as the next person, but I paid to see the show and once the show’s over, everything else is sprinkles… but people can be asshats. And somehow I missed Chris Tierney so I have to go back so I can worship properly.

7. I also got lost because apparently there was like, no G train service this weekend which was what I was going to take to Atlantic Terminal. Except that didn’t work, I ended up blindly taking a C to a nearby station and poking my head into convenience stores asking if I was headed in the right direction.

6. I took the LIRR four times. I made my train at Atlantic terminal that should have put me back in Ronkonkoma at 1:35, which should have let me be on time for work at 2, but. :\ No such luck. There were signal problems and the train was late. I rolled in to work at 2:30. I called them once I knew I was going to be late, so they were not bovvered forsooth.

7. I wept bitter, bitter tears because I was exhausted and having a my-life-is-going-nowhere moment.
dramaturgy: ([Celebs] Matt glasses!)
I didn't want my three thousandth entry to be me whining like it usually is. I wanted to take pictures of my room in the house and talk about how well I'm doing. Fun, fulfilling internship in the city, how much I love living off campus, etc. But I don't have that. What I have is about $400 to my name and a pile of unfulfilled expectations and some scary thoughts.

I've filled out so many applications and sent out my resume so many times I've lost count looking for a second job. I've stopped hoping for something that is actually at my level and am looking at McDonalds, Best Buy, and Home Depot. Everything else requires experience that I don't have. I worked four hours last week, four tonight, and I'm not scheduled for any next week. I probably won't have any the week after either, because I booked Friday off so I could welcome Bee to the city.

The house is... fine. I have housemates whose parents didn't seem to teach them that if it's not yours you shouldn't fucking touch it, but that I can deal with. What I can't deal with is this faffing about with the wireless. I am not a person who asks for much but when I have a shitty day (which I am having a lot of these days) all I want to do is curl up, watch some videos of kittens on YouTube, and then refresh Tumblr until it shows me something exciting. So in conclusion if it's not broke, DON'T FIX IT.

So I'm in the office right now, where it is unbearably warm and my desk chair is fucking uncomfortable, but my internet is stable. Priorities, I guess.

I basically want to quit school or take a leave of absence for a year and not be run off my feet. I hate being an adult; I'm not any good at it and it's really fucking exhausting pretending that I know what I'm doing and to not burst into tears even though that's all I want to do. But I guess I shouldn't worry about it since I don't actually have anywhere to be for at least a week. I feel like I'm drowning and I'd really like to know what I'm doing here. People can tell me "No" all the time and I can get myself wound up until I puke perfectly fine in Iowa. There has to be a reason I'm here.
dramaturgy: ([DW/T] Rory counting the Silence.)
Today is Commencement. I suppose this is where my roommates have been all day because I think they are graduating. I don't know, I don't really care.

I was going to have a great thinky thoughts post here about how I graduate next year (with any luck), but then I got an e-mail from the lady at Jujamcyn and "there isn't a position available for [me]" which, you know, sucks because I really wanted to do it. Only in theatre is knowing a little bit about everything and knowing how to do a lot and willing to do literally ANYTHING a bad thing. I'll keep looking for things to do that will occupy my time and maybe put a little money in my pocket, but right now I just want to sit here and Think About What I've Done by thinking everything could go my way for once.

There's one part of my brain that says, "Remember how you said you were never going to get into grad school and you did? And remember how you didn't think you could manage having your own car and you did? And remember how you didn't think you could etc and you did?" But the other part of my brain says to fuck off.

I'm moving tomorrow. I guess the best I can do is look for something else to fill my time, especially if Old Navy plans to stick with scheduling me one day a week. 'Cause I'm sorry, that ain't gonna pay for shit.

My dad said he and my mom would help as long as it wasn't much, but I'm twenty-five. I should be able to pay my own rent and things. Not to mention I don't know how much my parents had to sink into getting my grandmother into a nursing home (which she is in. I haven't spoken to her. This is going to sound stupid but I hope she gets internet there, because the people she knows from there are her friends like you all are mine). I'd like to go home to visit but I'm afraid to now.

I love being here in New York. If I couldn't stay out here and work I don't know what I would do.

brb looking for that window God's supposed to open when he shuts a door on me.
dramaturgy: ([Borgias] Lucrezia.)
I could write about a lot of things in the world. Royal wedding. MS Walk on Saturday. The correspondent's dinner. Osama bin Laden being dead. The eighty conspiracy theories that I've heard since that news broke. The drama that occurred on Monday. How awesome Doctor Who is. But I'm not going to.

I have a recurring dream, and I had it again last night. I'm in my room at my parents' house in Iowa, except it is really dirty. Dirt, dust bunnies everywhere, and it's a mess. The furniture is all higgledy piggledy, and I have so many books that don't fit on my bookshelves (okay, accurate), and clothes are falling out of the closet. And no matter what I do or how I try to organize it all, it just seems messier or when I finally get something the way I want it and then turn around to organize something else, it goes to hell.

I'm sure there's a good Freudian explanation in there somewhere and it's probably true, I just wish I would stop having it. I wake up anxious and with the obscene need to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS (and not in a good "Oh this needs to get done" sort of way, in the OCD sort of way).
dramaturgy: ([Misc] Perfect for you.)
The worst thing someone can tell you is not 'no.'

The worst thing someone can tell you is 'yes.' Because then you have to step up and perform.
dramaturgy: ([BSG] Starbuck is unhappy.)
I have so much I want to talk about. But since brevity is the soul of wit and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief.

My sister is still in Japan of this moment. She's okay, there wasn't much damage in Nagoya from the earthquake, but she's going (I keep typing 'coming' but I'm not there) home for a bit and she'll get in on Monday. I don't know if my mom will ever let her go anywhere ever again, but maybe now at least she won't drive me crazy for a bit. I love my mother and understand being worried, but seriously. (I also understand that she is ~mother and her worry probably outshines any that I had -- and I was a bit worried but my sister is a smart girl and the Japanese know how to handle it.) I told Gretchen to grab something good when the looting started, but apparently they don't do that. Which is cool.

Sunday I went and saw Angels in America at Signature again. They changed the cast, and Michael Urie was playing Prior so obviously I had to go. As much as I hesitate to say it... Michael Urie is totally my Prior. Justin Kirk is wonderful in the film, and Christian Borle was amazing, but Michael? He was inspired. He was just the perfect combination of righteous, queeny rage, fear, awareness of the absurdity of it all, and at times, utter contempt for the world around him. And how he looks in a dress is exactly as unfair as you would think it is.

Adam Driver was a newcomer as Louis. I LOVED him. He LOOKED like a neurotic Jewboy, and had amazing comic timing. At first I thought he was a little stiff but I warmed up to him. I actually ended up liking Louis a little lot more than I usually do -- which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Considering some of the things he does, it increases my sympathy and emotional reaction when he does or says reprehensible things. Truthfully, Bill Heck puts too much ANGRY~ in his Joe for my taste. I get that he's supposed to be confused and maybe a bit self-loathing, but I don't think I should fear for Harper's safety when they're arguing. I didn't like Keira Keeley (I think that's her name) as Harper as much as I liked Zoe Kazan. Zoe was a bit younger, more ethereal -- I could believe she went flying and saw ex-drag queens in her hallucinations, but Keira went a bit more zombiesque with her interpretation at times. And there was a lot of yelling. :\ Bill Porter was still Belize and he was STILL fabulous. Jeffrey Wright is Jeffrey Wright but Bill Porter was DIVAING OUT. The angel was good. I don't know if I like her as much as Robin Weigert, but it was a different interpretation. A lot more human at all times, not just sometimes.

I didn't want to stalk too much -- stagedooring Off-Broadway is a different culture than Broadway shows, I'm finding -- but I wanted to fangirl Michael Urie a little and was under orders from [livejournal.com profile] occultebelta to do so. So he signed my copy of The Temperamentals and told him I'd enjoyed that play as well, I'm teaching it in my 101 class this semester (last semester wasn't so impressed with Angels), and it was in part due to that play that I want to pursue my MFA project in queer dramaturgy. I voiced a concern about identifying straight -- in my experience, cautious self-deprecation and disclaiming works out better in the end when it's genuine -- and he blew it off. He said, "You may have more to say than a queer artist." So therefore I intend to make no more apologies about it. Onward and upward. Michael Urie said so.

Last week I applied and interviewed for a customer service position at Old Navy -- so basically what I'd been doing at Lane Bryant, but I'll be able to do it in jeans. Except when they offered me the position and tried to set up a time for me to come in for training and such, they proceeded to ignore the availability I gave them when I applied and tried to get me to come in Monday during classtimes, Tuesdays when I'm teaching, and damn. I don't even. Why? So I gave him my availability AGAIN and he said he'd call back. That was Wednesday. So if this is going to be a chronic problem I'm not sure I want to work for them. Because my school and teaching job are going to come first. Sorry. The end.

I had two major writing assignments due last Monday. Of course I left them until the last minute. One was a ten minute play, which I actually ended up being proud of despite not considering myself a playwright (it's hard to give all the information the audience needs just in dialogue without being didactic or fake). I got a B+ on a paper on Elizabethan foreign policy. I probably would have gotten higher if I'd been able to bother with MLA formatting and edit properly, but no. She did compliment my handling of the history though, so I will take it.

I've sort of started using my tumblr that I made to see what the fuss was about. And when I say 'using' I mean I'm reblogging shit like it's going out of style. It's here.

I am giving serious thought as to when I want to move, and 'soon' is what comes to mind. Twice this week I have been woken at 9:30 by a roommate (the same roommate) wailing the song "Fuck You" at the top of her voice. First of all, that's a god awful song 24/7, and second, 9:30 is not the proper hour to be shouting songs.

I just have this fear of not having enough money to stay in an apartment elsewhere and getting evicted and having to live in my car. Which is stupid. But I get anxious, I get depressed about being anxious, I get anxious because I don't get anything done when I'm depressed and it piles up, etc.

Also, Galileo is going to suck. And that is an objective assessment.
dramaturgy: ([BSG] Starbuck is unhappy.)
I have the serious urge to shop.

I like shopping. I didn't used to. But in high school, this became a way that I connect with people. My mother and I like to go and try things on and put outfits together, even if we can't buy anything. (Okay, things that aren't on clearance. >_>) Eventually, my sister was old enough that she also got into the clothing thing and we all three like to go when we're together. Whenever Bee comes to visit me or vice versa we usually end up at a mall once (and if we're in Manhattan, wow don't even start). Kitty and I have shopped too, because she's about three inches around and is super fun to dress up.

I even like shopping alone sometimes. It's not as much fun getting second opinions and all, but I don't like to feel like I'm dragging people.

Anyway. Shopping is a problem because first of all, I should be saving money where I can, not spending it. Secondly, because I know it's because I don't want to work. I have two major assignments due Monday and don't want to do either of them. Thirdly, I'm feeling depressed and anxious and am looking for something to fill that hole.

Shopping in this state will have the effect of making me happy temporarily, but when I get home I'll have buyer's guilt and the money will be gone and I will have wasted my time and I'll be depressed and anxious again.

(Although both pairs of my jeans are wearing thin in the special area. If they rip, I'll have to replace them. :\ Slippery slope, I'm on it.)
dramaturgy: ([DW/T] An Ianto icon.)
Fuck depression.

Yesterday was a great day. I was in the city that I love, and I got to partake in two pieces of theatre. I saw The Addams Family at the matinee, which was decent. I can see why it was panned, but it was fun. Nathan Lane is a scream, Bebe Neuwirth is great, Terence Mann is a GOD, Carolee Carmello is like three inches around and she has a huge voice. Krysta Rodriguez is a powerhouse, and Wesley Taylor is adorable.

And I got to sit third row at Spider-Man. In short, they were looking to fill the orchestra seat they hadn't sold so I got upgraded for free and it was basically awesome. I have no more face because it has been rocked off. They changed a lot, and is ultimately better for it. The second act especially is much tighter and clearer. I stagedoored and told any of the people who would listen that. I seriously can't wait to go back and again... I'm a stan, deal with it.

So I was in a great place when I got home last night and drifted off to sleep. I had a great dream. I had my dream job in my city, there was a man who loved me, and it was quite literally my dream life. It was so real that when I woke up I was confused. Where was I? What day was it? No seriously where the fuck was I? And as I woke up more, I realized that I was coming back to reality. Awake.

And then I had the moment when I was lying in bed when I was just disappointed, because I was awake and none of that was true. Then the little voice started: Life is never going to be that good.

I'm not unhappy. I'm not. Sure I'm not living the dream, but I'm where I need to be, I think, emotionally and physically. I don't have a lot of very close friends, but the ones I do have are amazing. I decided I wasn't going to let the Dark Passenger win today. I wasn't going to let a stupid voice in the back of my head dictate how I was going to feel about today.

Well. It didn't work. But I did try.
dramaturgy: ([SPN] Anna is dangerous.)
Since I don't think I'm smart enough for "The Politics of Aesthetics," let's have an LJ update instead.

Last weekend I was feeling a bit sick, and by Monday night I had a raging sinus infection. So I cancelled my class for Tuesday and went to the doctor and got some drugs. He was a nice doctor; we had a lovely conversation about Iowa because I was wearing my Coe College sweatshirt (I need a new one, this one's getting all ratty) and apparently his mother grew up in Cedar Rapids. Wednesday I was still on my back, but I woke upon Thursday and cared about things again, so I decided I could teach and go to Galileo rehearsal -- which is going really well. I'm enjoying it.

Friday was hella busy. I went into the city to run some errands; I dropped off/picked up scripts at Young Playwrights and got my brother a birthday gift. I walked around in the theatre district. I love the city so much, sometimes it actually hurts me.

Then I went with another woman in the program to see an NT Live broadcast of Donmar Warehouse's production of King Lear with Derek Jacobi. Now, I am a huge fan of Michael Grandage and the Donmar. I think they do beautiful shows that are not dependent on design or spectacle, but instead allow actors and plays to do the work for themselves and letting talent shine through. I would seriously give my right arm to work for that man.

That said, I also don't have another Lear that I've seen to compare it to -- but it was stunning. Derek Jacobi is just as marvelous as you think he would be from beginning to end. Gina McKee was an awesome stone cold bitch as Goneril. The brothers were also great, and the whole thing with them and Gloucester was so wonderful it hurt. Edmund was compact and sort of weaselly looking, and Edgar was tall, gallant -- basically everything he's supposed to be. (And he was doing some dead ringer Matt Smith and his confusing yet sexually exciting facial hair action as Tom, which was only a little distracting but it was working for me.) There was this wonderful/awful moment after Gloucester's been blinded and meets with Edgar again, still as Tom, he slips and calls him "father" when me and probably a good 70% of the audience all went, "Ohh" because it hurt so good. Ron Cook made me cry as the Fool -- he was superb. I have seen him onstage twice (I suppose technically three times?) and he is just so great every single time.

I don't know if I've ever had my heart broken quite like when Lear came on, wailing -- not so much crying as just a full out cry of despair -- with Cordelia's body.

They also advertised the next NT Live broadcast which is Johnny Lee Miller and Benedict Cumberbatch trading off lead roles of the Creature and Victor Frankenstein in "Frankenstein." They're going to do one broadcast for each and DO WANT. I want to see both.

Spider-Man is hiring a script doctor which is honestly what needed work but there is a part of me going ASSHOLES I'M A DRAMATURG THAT'S MY JOB.

Also I'm coming to that time where I have a lot of things to do and I don't want to do any of them, and some of them don't have a penalty like not doing homework does. These are things like finding a job, and finding internships to apply for.

ETA: Since I'm a big old slut for production/rehearsal photography, here's some for Lear.
dramaturgy: ([DW/T] Faceoff.)
Things I don't want to do:

Lesson plan.

Things I do want to do:

Run away and join a folk rock band under an assumed name. I'm thinking Wanda Jingleheimer -- but that's YINGLEheimer, not with the hard j, mind.

No, now I've all told you my clever alias. Now I can't use it. DAMN.

:(

Home.

Aug. 25th, 2010 10:24 pm
dramaturgy: ([AI] I amount to nothing.)
I'm anxiety piling, so excuse me.

I said the other day that 'home' was a really complicated word, and I find that a lot of people my age feel the same.

I was talking to my mother and was talking about driving back to school before I left. Before I knew it I called New York 'home'. But it's not. New York is where I am living and going to school (for now. For at least the next two years. Please don't even start me on my thoughts on the matter right now) but it's not home. I don't know if it could be. Iowa is kind of home. It's where I grew up, but there are many things I don't like about it. I don't know. My family's there, and my family's probably not leaving any time soon. I don't have a boyfriend, I don't even have a prospect. I don't have someone I want to make a life with. I don't have ties like that here. I don't know if I want them.

When we saw my sister last, I put the Mamma Mia soundtrack to drive to because I needed to stay awake. Stupid idea, because eventually we got to this song:



I saw this movie with my mother, so that whole mother/daughter thing his ~super hard with me. I really do miss my mother, she's one of my best friends, and this stupid song makes me bawl every time.

So home is complicated. I don't know where my heart is so I don't know where my home is, but what I do know if where I pay money to store all my stuff and sleep a few hours a night.
dramaturgy: ([Glee] Back to you.)
Yesterday was my parents' anniversary and they actually got home pretty early. They usually do dinner and a movie so I wasn't expecting them until eleven/midnightish, depending on where they ate and what movie they saw, but they got home about 9:30. My dad goes into his mancave computery area, and mom sits next to me on the couch.

"Your dad and I were thinking..."

Shit, I think to myself. "Yeah..."

"Since you're leaving next weekend, we should do something tomorrow."

I knew right away that 'sitting on the couch in your pajamas with your friends in the box' was not going to be an acceptable answer. "Uh. Okay."

"So. What would you like to do?" Chipper voice.

"Um." Literally nothing comes to mind. I want to sit and do NOTHING. I want to be unimpressive. I want to be mediocre. Substandard, even. "I don't know."

"We could go to the Amanas. See the shops. I know it's not your kind of shopping..."

Then why did you fucking ask. The Amanas are the Amana Colonies, somewhere just beyond Iowa City. The restaurant is, to my knowledge, one (1) family style restaurant with nasty food where all the waitstaff is all over sixty in blue gingham Dorothy dresses that they all outgrew when Truman left office. They are big on Ye Olde German Heritage. I do not fucking go to the Amanas if I can get out of it. If I had to hide from, I don't know, KGB or diamond smugglers who I'd just caught in the act, I'd go there because that is how little I like going there. "Or Galena!" Galena is the exact same fucking thing, only it's in Illinois and its saving grace is that I've never been there so I don't think I can properly disparage it.

Needless to say, I am not keen to go. But since there's literally nothing out I want to see right now and I don't have any better ideas, I am going to spend time in Galena with my parents. I am trying not to think of it as a hostage situation, but since that's sort of what it is, I am just going to be as neutral as possible.

Compounding the situation is there is something causing me manic, racing thoughts and massive sleep deprivation. Fuck me sideways. Probably that my medication taking this summer has been sporadic at best, but I hate fucking taking medicine. I can't wait for the day when everything is just permanently curable with a shot and I can do that instead.

ETA: Also I would give my left tit for a pair of pants that fit.

ETA 2: Scratch that, I would give my left tit to be a size twelve.

ETA 3: Also we better get in the car soon so I can get out my iPod and drown out my dad's fucking insane HUMMING. Someone is going to fucking die today.
dramaturgy: ([Misc] I am never going to work again)
I have been trying to get an exam copy of the textbook I'm supposed to be teaching. Yes, I went ahead and bought a regular copy 'cause I didn't know what else to do, but then I had a thought, since I am an anxiety-riddled twentysomething who is not happy unless she has something to hyperventilate about (as though my discovered money troubles of yesterday weren't enough): what if there is stuff I NEED in the exam copy? So I tried again to order the book, except their website has a malfunction. It won't let me list my appropriate department at SB. So I decided to contact support which, it turns out, I CAN'T DO because every time it fails to connect.

ARGH.

I'm pretty lucky, because as far as the money thing goes, I have a family that's not going to let me founder into crippling penury. I said I wanted to be a dramaturg and they said, "Awesome! I have no idea what that is, but go for it!" And I said, "Neither do I! But I guess we'll find out!" Fuck this. I give up. You win, life.

Day 15 - A song that describes you

Some days I'm like this:



And some days I'm like this:



Today I think I'm more like this:



List )
dramaturgy: ([AI] Sieg heil to the president gasman.)
I have been watching Battlestar Galactica for basically two days, but I don't much care. I will probably get out a little tonight because my grandmother IM'd me all "Let's do something tonight!" It's probably a good thing, because I'll have someone beside the cats to freak out at.

My textbook came and I can't make myself look at it, let alone read it. Jesus guys, I have a class to plan.

Day 11 - A song from your favourite band

I have a lot of favorite bands. Damn.





List )
dramaturgy: ([AI] I amount to nothing.)
Last week Kitty was with me and we had fun. I am still in Doctor Who finale afterglow from Saturday, and in my Damn My Friends Are Home Now slump as well as my Try Not To Panic About Teaching mindset with nothing to distract me.

What results is me feeling very confused and a little nauseous. So I'm going to do a 30 day meme. Ang was doing this one, and it's music! Who doesn't love music? I love music.

Day 01 - Your favourite song



I listen to this one A LOT, but of course you have your favorite songs of the moment and your favorites ever. That one was the former, and this is the latter:



List )
dramaturgy: ([SA] Spring + Summer)
Ugh, my glands are huge and I wish that were a euphemism for something, but it isn't. It would be nice to not be sick, especially since I used up all my sick excuses last week when I was mentally not fit for human company. I'm not much better this week and I don't know why.

But tomorrow I GET MY CAR. Val will take me to Herbee Dodge one last time, I will take care of the insurance mumbo jumbo, and I will drive away with my cute little Neon. And we will live happily ever after.

And then I have to start looking for a summer job. Damnit.
dramaturgy: ([Misc] Fidelity - Regina Spektor)
I feel trepidacious and I don't know why. :\

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